A Wake Up Call By The Cat

Good Morning and welcome back

 For those of you who own cats or rather have cats who own you, as seems to be the case, this blog entry is for you.  So sit back, get comfy and grab you favorite beverage of choice and join me on an adventure of a wake up call by the cat !

 I have a sign in our home that states, a cat doesnt have an owner, it has staff. I also have a sign that says cats leave paw prints on your heart. Nowhere in our half duplex do I have a sign that says, " cats, stinky little furballs who wake you in the worst possible way" However Im willing to bet I could be the next Bill Gates if I ever mass produced those signs. Cat owners around the world are nodding their heads in agreement. You see cats are demanding little creatures who demand (usually at the worst possible time) to be fed, to be played with, to awaken you from blissful slumber.

 I was having a great sleep, notice I said WAS , that is until at the first crack of a sparrows fart , or 6am for those of you with clocks in your bedroom, Spirit our adopted cat decided he should let me know that he and Moses were not only both wide awake , but also starvinggggggggg , come on now people help me here, they have dry food that magically keeps pouring down into their dish and at $22 bucks a bag ( thank god I get a work discount, medical your a wonderful brand but dear jesus do you make it with gold nuggets), they also have plenty of water and toys to play with. Instead Spirit decides enough is enough, he and Moses, aka mr personality have held out long enough, they want their moist food. DAMNIT !!! 

 For those of you who do not own cats or rather be owned by them, you may say something like,,, push them away, (trust me they keep coming back)

throw them out and shut the door( hmmm that doesnt work either, then you have two cats thrashing their bodies at the door wailing and going on so bad my duplex sounds like a really bad 70's porno) . It wasnt bad enough that he woke me up but it was how he woke me up that I have the problem with.

 I swear Moses sent Spirit to wake me up, First because Moses weighes 20 odd pounds and doesnt move for much unless there is food involved, Moses and Spirit remind me of Garfield and Odie, Garfield gives all the commands and Odie happily does them. Yup thats Moses and Spirit right there.
He sends Spirit up to awaken me also because , Spirit has the cute factor, hes a 10 month old creamy orange colored cat who looks and always will look like a 4 month old kitten , due to being born with an upper respirtory infection. And I will be the first to admit, HES CUTE. He is also a pain in my ass by times, take this morning for example.

  I feel him jump up on the bed, he nuzzles my head, licks my cheek and lays on my pillow so his little body is wrapped around my head. It truly was a kodac moment, and a moment was all it was.

From there he decides my hair isnt quite clean enough from my shower last night so he will wash it for me. He even threw in a complimentary head massage. His little paws were kneading my scalp I was feeling all relaxed and peaceful. When all of a sudden I now have a 5 pound cat on top of my head, hes digging his claws ( more like icepicks) into my scalp. He has my hair in his mouth tugging and pulling for all hes worth, and if that wasnt enough insult to injury he then shoves his ass in my face, wiggles it, spins around and then swats me across the head. Point taken lucifer I am now wide awake, my bladder is screaming as is my head and two "starving cats" are happily fed their moist food and for at least half an hour are satisfied.

  Yes my friends being the owner of or being owned by cats you decide. Is hard work indeed. But for all their early morning wake up calls, their furry asses in my face, and their daily ambushes, my life wouldnt be complete without them.

However if there were ever a mere twinkle in my eye with the thought of adopting another cat, well my friends that twinkle just flew out the damn window !!!

May you all be blessed with the sandpaper kisses from your cats and may they all leave paw prints on your heart. And may they make you so happy, you can say. I"m so happy I could shit rainbows and fart fairy dust"

Things I have Discovered While Being An Imsomniac

Good morning and welcome back

 Before you all start riding my ass like a crazed rodeo redneck,,,, let me explain.  Things have been wild here WILD I tell you.  First there is the college thing, might I mention a true pain in my ass at times. Then there is working with the vet, the sunshine of my life, my happy place and then there is the usual housework, making meals telling the kids its not my job to remember where they put things and reminding them to occasionally run a hairbrush through their hair. Then of course there are the animals or the "children Trevor and I were able to have together" as I often refer to them as. 

Maverick is the same ole pooch big, hairy and full of mischief by times. Then we have Moses aka Mr Personality, he hasnt changed much either, just got a little wider in the waist and a little longer in the tooth and still takes pride in his daily ambushes usually when I least expect them. Spirit our youngest furball is doing well, eating playing and is still and most likely always will be refered to as the BBLB, for those of you who dont know what BBLB stands for, it means booger blowing little bastard, having been born with the upper respirtory infection he sneezes and blows snot everywhere, usually I am his target, if Im not in sight my pillow is his second choice.  So there you have it now you know why I have been slack in writing my blog, so sit back get comfy and grab your drink of choice, seeing as it is only 10:09am here I guess coffee is my only option. And come join me on things I have discovered while being an imsomniac.

  All my life I have been told I am a high strung high energy person, I used to think that was great,,, that is until that bitch Imsomnia has entered my life. Knowing Im an imsomniac isnt the problem, the problem is finding out why.  I've tried the no caffeine after supper, the warm soothing bath ( in this house there is no such thing, there are either kids hollering mommmmmmmmmmmm or cats deciding oh cool the human is in that big white swimming pool that has water and whoop de doo tonight she must have eaten beans cause there are bubbles,,,, lets play in them) You may ask why dont I shut the door tight?? this my friends is the answer, its better to risk the chance of having a cat land in the water( which I may add they both love water) then to hear them yowl at the door and when that doesnt work shoving their paws under the door waving at me as if to say HELLOOOOOOOOOOO DONT YOU SEE ME!!!! cats are like hemmeroids,, a real pain in the ass and never useful but unlike the roids, I do love my cats.

 Being an imsomniac has its benefits I guess, I have discovered that cats may sleep all day but come night they are wild things on the prowl , usually by 4am they settle down. Did you know the birds wake up at 5am and begin singing for all the world or at least imsomniacs like me to listen to them and occasionally mutter these words, somedayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy someday Im gonna buy myself a gun lol.  Infomerials are freaking crazy, tell me this one, if Billy Mays died last year, then  why in hell is he still screaming at me to buy oxyclean ??? sure it works , we get that Billy but why even from our grave do I have to see your bad hair dye job gone real bad and  hear your screechy voice.

 Then of course there is Vince,, not only does he do the sham wow but he also sells the slap chop, cause you know YOUR GONNA LOVE MY NUTS. Hey Vince, thats right piss off an imsomniac enough and someday,,,, someday we will find you and see just how well that slap chop,, slaps YOUR nuts.

From there we are now entering Richard Simmons and his sweatin to the oldies, for god sakes man your a geriactric in support hose who looks like you have a chia pet on top of your head, ditch the shorty shorts cause honey that aint a good look , straighten your hair, and get rid of the tank top and scrunchy socks, Im guessing he wears the socks to cover the ends of his support hose.

 From there I switch to animal planet, you would think a person in college all day and working with the vet which includes working with animals, that animal planet wouldnt be on my top ten channels to watch, but sadly you are all mistaken, I get hooked I cant stop myself and 3 hours later I have watched a marathon of merecat manor and am pissed, PISSED I tell you that flower has passed away and the teenage merecats didnt pay attention while babysitting the young bucks and a goddamn snake ate them. By this time I fear going to sleep even if sleep came to me for fear that in my dreams I will be one of the baby merecats eaten by a SNAKE. 

 I by this time have switched over to TLC and whats on but the cake boss, someone pass me a gun right now, take me out of my misery, the guy simply put is annoying, everything about him is annoying his voice, his accent his whole freakin show, enough of this crap I say, time to switch over and watch the golden girls, Sophia is my favorite, she reminds me of my mother, short, older, full of spunk and might I add gas lol. Next its Good times where Jimmy whats his name yells DYNOMITEEEEEEEEEE, Im thinking it may take dynomite to have sleep come to me.

  Finally at 4am the cats of settled down, the dog is now awake from his 3 hour nap on my chest ( have I mentioned he is an 80 pound german sheperd) The golden girls have thanked me for being their friend and Jimmy has said DYNOMITEEEEEEEE for the last time , sleep starts to cast upon me I can feel it coming when all of a sudden I hear CAWWWWWWWWW at first I jump up and yell ELLEN I LOVE YOUR SHOW, sadly its not ellen screaming caw as she often does on her show, it is the flippin crows in our trees, from there the bluejay pipes in with his bit of gossip, the squirrels are running around looking for their nuts, hoping and praying to god that vince the slap chop guy hasnt slapped their nuts and the sun is now up. Imsomnia you bitch you won again but tonight you will not defeat me.

 May you all be blessed with peaceful sleep and may you wake up feeling rested, when that day comes for me I will glady shout "I'm so happy I could shit rainbows and fart fairy dust.