Greetings From Moses

Greetings Infidels, it is I Moses the cat. I have hijacked the humans blog while she is busy cleaning my cat sized toilet. I am guessing by the gagging noises shes making, she is either retching on a fur ball or she has discovered my recently dropped meadow muffin, oh this is to funny I am dying with laughter as my human is dying from the fumes. While surfing the interweb  the other day I noticed there is a cat calling himself "grumpy cat" well mr grumpy cat you have nothing on me I was born an asshole, I will die an asshole or so the human tells me. I am guessing you all want to know what has been happening here in "the love shack" ugh I think I just puked a little saying that. 

 Well as you all may know "my god" proposed to the human back in December. All the shouting and jumping up and down woke me from my nap. I waddled down the stairs to see what all the fuss was about and saw the human dancing like nobody was watching, so I decided to let her know I was watching and her dancing skills suck.  I reached out ever so carefully and swatted her leg. The horse aka Maverick didnt seem to like that so much and he chased me up the stairs. I swear I heard him yelling "run fat boy run" I will get back at him later, perhaps when hes sleeping. Back to this wedding ordeal, the human is busy making plans as is "my god", hes really getting into this I often ask him if he knows what hes getting himself into, but because he doesnt speak cat he just thinks Im being extra friendly and pats me on the head and calls me a good boy. Ugh there goes 20 seconds of my life I will never get back.

 Spirit the "golden child" now has two pipsqueaks to play with from what I gather from the human they are here to stay and I will just have to live with it. The one named Violet is like Dolly Parton's coat of many colours but she leaves me alone, I guess I can handle her. The kid they say is oriental looks kinda funny, bright blue eyes with a white coat that looks like the human spilled her double double on but again she leaves me alone so not to much I can do. Besides "my god" told me shes "special" so I have to be extra kind to her, its not her fault she cant hear me yell SCRAM thats my food dish, or beat it kid Im trying to take a poop. Personally I think she may have dipped into the humans bottle of fireball, she kind of wobbles when she walks and her head moves from side to side. The human used to do that quite a bit but now tells me shes getting to old for that and now sticks to pop. 

I guess your also wondering about Ella, the cat whos afraid of everything. Well we are still arch enemies, she just makes it to easy not to be. God forbid if I look at her as I swagger on by, she begins to hiss and runs for cover , so of course I have to chase after her. Now the new dog the humans just had to adopt chases after me, she tells me even though shes old shes still got pep in her step. I run as not to make her feel like a geriatric but whisper in an evil voice, my precioussssssss  I am so getting back at her, I will wait until shes not looking and with a couple of hand gestures I will take the fur right off of her butt. Of course I will have to wait until Maverick is nowhere around when I do this, he is very protective over his lady friend his sloppy kisses to her make me want to retch and yack up a fur ball into the humans shoe. 

 Well the human is done cleaning not only my toilet but hers as well so I had better get off of the computer before she catches me again, last time she caught me watching kitty porn and well that went over like a lead fart, she banned me from the computer and made me listen to country music. Something about "Heavens just a sin away". I was yowling I surrender just turn that crap off, she thought it was funny and jacked it to Jesus. So there you have it, I am still a miserable asshole making everyone's lives hell, but as the human and "my god" say life wouldnt be the same without me. 

 May you be so blessed to have a cat with so much attitude and so little time and may it make you so happy you can say "I am so happy I could shit rainbows and fart fairy dust". 

Disclaimer, no animals were harmed in the making of this blog.