Hello and welcome back:
It has been awhile since my last post I know, but due to a nasty sinus infection that left me pretty much begging for mercy and leaving a permenant imprint of my dimpled ass on the couch, I didnt do much in the way of writing, hell I didnt do much in the matter of anything. I did however take little virtual walks down memory lane, I laughed , I cried, I took more buckleys pills and laughed some more. So sit back get comfy and join me on a walk down memory lane and let me introduce you to my sisters.
I am the youngest of 9 kids, 5 boys 4 girls, the rest all have great names, Tim, Ken, Jeff, Janet, Susan, Stephen, Ross, Helen, and then me, I got the boring name, the one no one can pronounce let alone spell, plain old LoisAnn !!!!, They were all blessed with middle names, I however was duped of that feat as well, Loisann is my full name, although I am usually only called that when in trouble from big mama. When asked why I got the name I did, I was told it was after my mothers 2nd cousin, cripes it may have been better if my name was after someone a little closer in the gene pool. I often told my mother how I hated my name and why didnt I get a better one, her response was, "after already having and naming 8 kids your goddamn lucky you werent just given a number. " I will say this, for as many cousins 2nd cousins and quite possibly the whole clan dating back to when Moses was floating down the river in a basket, I am the only Loisann !!
The only people who have the name Lois are all freaking crazy,,, let me explain, first you have the mother from the show malcolm in the middle, that crazy bitch cancelled christmas one year, she too has a mother named Ida and a sister named Susan,,,,, coincidence,,, I think not ! Then you have Lois the mother from family guy, I digress ! She has an annoying voice, is married to a man who has a chin that looks like testicals and yup you guessed it shes freaking crazy. Next you have Lois Lane, now this chick and I have been fiece enemies all my life, why you may ask,, well my friends when all your life you hear"hey Lois Lane, wheres Superman"? well up until I met Trevor I could have never used this line, but now when asked Lois Lane wheres your superman I proudly state," my superman is right beside me"
Its funny how when your kids you never realize what sisters really mean, to me they were always older, got to stay up later, go on sleepovers, and for the older 2 sisters, got to experience the disco era and most likely dated guys in white leisure suits and fully understood the meaning of "groovy man" and how to do the jitterbug long before the song was made famous by George Michael, hell they probably even knew how to dance to "ah ah ah ah stayin alive stayin alive"
! My brother Tim truly rocked out his polyester shirt, platform shoes and yes you guessed it, his afro. Sometimes I bet tim wishes he still had the afro as he is now in his 50s and his hair is shall we say a little thinner.
Janet was always dragging me around with her, where she went ,,, so did I ! She helped raise me because mom worked and dad,,, well he was a long haul truck driver and when he came home the last thing he wanted to do was hang out with the kids. All my life people thought I was janets kid, after awhile we stopped telling people,, no shes my sister, we let them keep wondering ,pondering how a teenage girl in the 70s not only had a baby but openly walked down the street with her, it made for some good laughs and funny looks.
Susan used to let me tag along with her to, and I remember when I lost my very first tooth, sadly for susan it was lost into her right arm, the toothfairy still found me that night and it was probably Susan showing mom the bitemark in her arm that made mom remember to slip that shiny quartar under my pillow.
Next we come to Helen, now the poor girl was the baby in the family for 8 whole years until I came along. Sure she liked me just fine while I was in the hospital, she said I was the reddest scaliest baby she had ever seen ( I was a month overdue and yes I did have flaky skin ), as soon as I came home from the hospital,,,, Helen moved out !!! Packed her bags and hitched a ride with family friends to stay with them for a whole week. Mom finally called and said when are you coming home, Helen said is THAT baby still there, mom replied yes and that BABY is staying, so Helen repacked her bags and came back home to stay.
Looking back I see now just how many time Helen has been there for me, when her cat mable decapitated my little baby chicken named ping, and left him on the porch floor, headless and dead, it was Helen who took me rollerskating to take my mind off it and most likely to keep me from doing serious harm to her sex starved cat, that thing had more kittens in her lifetime, we got her when I was 3 and she lived until I was 19 and most likely still had sex right up until she died.
When at the age of 17 1/2 I found out I was pregnant with my son Austin, Helen was the first person I told, together we told my mother and a few nights later after spicy nachos at her apartment and a bottle of rolaids later we told my dad, not sure which was scarier, two pregnant woman full of spicy nachos and rolaid breath or facing my giant of a father to tell him his baby was having a baby. when my dad told me I broke his heart and stormed out of the room, it was Helen who wiped away my tears and most likely popped yet another rolaid in my mouth. Sure Dad got over it and welcomed Austin into his life, the first time he held him , tears rolled down his face and he told me how sorry he was for telling me I broke his heart, he said I thought my heart would break but after holding this little man my heart just grew even more.
Us girls have seen alot, been through alot , and have always laughed alot. When our sister Susan was diagnosed with breast cancer, we all stuck together we were more diligent with our own breast checkups( or operation titty touch as I called it) and through our tears we also laughed. To hear us go on you would think we didnt give a tinkers damn about what Susan was facing, but our laughter and joking was probably what got her through some hard days.
We teased her about never having to worry about a bad hairday, how much money she would save on shampoo and when our brother Tim got married last August, we all took part in trying to figure out a way to tie her scarf around her little bald head.
Even bald she was as sassy and sexy as ever, we gave her a tricked out hairdo that day. As we were having pictures taken I found my eyes welling with tears, it was the first time all of us 9 kids were together and the first time our dad wasnt there with us. I looked at each one of my siblings and I smiled, because I realized we are strong, we are tough, we are family.
We may not say we love each other often, for those 3 little words seem very hard to come out, but what we dont say in words we show in other ways, phone calls, emails, in the summer and we are all home at big mamas, refreshed from long hours of floating on innertubes and air mattresses down the nashwaak river, to go back to moms, eat til we are about to puke, and sit around the bon fire and talk of years gone by, stories that usually include,
remember the time Jeff and Ken got into a fistfight over a game of monopoly, someone put their fist through the gun rack , our nannie who lived with us would scream "Ida call the cops" mom would look up from whatever she was doing and calmly say, take er outside boys, I didnt clean this house for you two to get blood everywhere. At the first sign of an argument, those were my nans famous words " Ida call the cops" quite remarkably,,, the cops nver had to come, moms words put more fear of god into them the a cop ever could have done.
If we could write a book on the things we did and the things we learned in that house, we would be authors of a best seller, instead we are rich with fond memories, laughter and wisdom we can pass down to our own kids.
When moms house is quiet, if you close your eyes and listen closely you will hear a slamming door, shared secrets and plenty of laughter . May you all be blessed with great memories and terrific siblings, and may it make you so happy you can say "Im so happy I could shit rainbows and fart fairy dust"
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Thursday, May 27, 2010
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Things Ive learned So Far In My Journey To Being A Vet Assistant
Good morning and welcome back
As of Friday I will offically be done my vet assistant studies, and upon looking back to where my journey began these are the things I have discovered. So sit back, get comfy and grab your favorite beverage of choice and join me on another whirl wind adventure of "things Ive learned so far in my journey to becoming a vet assistant.
I have learned that somedays your the windshield, somedays your the bug, I have had my share of being both the windshield and the bug. Ive learned that no matter how much you try, there will never be a cure for stupid, as Ron Tater salad white says"You cant fix stupid". Ive also learned that on days when you think you cant do it anymore, there is always someone to say, you can do it, you will do it and we are proud of you, for that I would like to thank, Trevor, Teresa, Val , Diane and any of my other kook friends I have forgotten to mention.
Ive learned that my father was right when he used to tell me"to never try is to fail" thanks dad, even from heaven your advice is still helpful. Ive learned that coffee and lots of it will get you through a 5 hour cramming session and make it feel like you have only been cramming for an hour, Ive learned that when you study before bed, often times you dream of animals, most times its never a good thing, the horses are still out to get me.
Ive also learned that when a horse farts, they always get you when your nearest to their arse and even though you may have spent the better part of an hour straightening your hair,your efforts went to hell in a handbag, cause after a 900 pound horse decides to let one rip, you now have curly hair that would put shirley temple to shame. Ive learned that there will never be a bad day in your life so long as you have loving arms to hold you tight, lips to kiss away your tears and words of encouragement, Thank you Trevor, I dont know where I would be without you.
Ive learned that after a rough day at the vet clinic, there is always an abundance of doggie kisses and ambushes from the cats to make you forget about your day, thank you maverick, moses and spirit, my furbabies you will always be.
Ive learned that cows produce 100 pounds of farts a day, Im not sure who the poor bastard was that had to sit in close proximity to measure the amount of butt trumpets, but whoever you are, thank you for bringing that to my attention, its always something I will remember from large animal medicine.
Ive learned your never to old to conquer your fears, I am proud to say I am no longer afraid of horses, just a little more cautious when working around their arse, and rats no longer make me panic, kids if your reading this, it does not mean I will allow a rat to live in our home.
Ive learned that sometimes theres always going to be a hemmeroid in your life that no amount of cream can cure, I have also learned that my sense of humour has gotten me through alot of rough days.
And I have learned that Fireball is the cure all for everything from a cough to the worst case of the roids known to man kind. It either burns the little bastards away or gets you so drunk you forgot you had them in the first place, the jury is still out on this one, but after friday night and a quart of fireball I may be able to better answer that question.
The most important thing I have learned is, Animals have no voice, we have to be their voices, to speak for them when they are sick, unloved and unwanted. I know I am taking the right path to a great profession, my father always said I had more tongue then a mounties boot. I will use that to be an animals voice.
And I have learned that I am proud of myself, for having the courage to go to college, to be able to look in the mirror everyday and like who I see, who I am and who im going to be. Ive also learned that a good many days Ive been able to say, "I'm so happy I could shit rainbows and fart fairy dust". And may you to all be blessed with such happiness that you to can say
"I'm so happy I could shit rainbows, and fart fairy dust"
As of Friday I will offically be done my vet assistant studies, and upon looking back to where my journey began these are the things I have discovered. So sit back, get comfy and grab your favorite beverage of choice and join me on another whirl wind adventure of "things Ive learned so far in my journey to becoming a vet assistant.
I have learned that somedays your the windshield, somedays your the bug, I have had my share of being both the windshield and the bug. Ive learned that no matter how much you try, there will never be a cure for stupid, as Ron Tater salad white says"You cant fix stupid". Ive also learned that on days when you think you cant do it anymore, there is always someone to say, you can do it, you will do it and we are proud of you, for that I would like to thank, Trevor, Teresa, Val , Diane and any of my other kook friends I have forgotten to mention.
Ive learned that my father was right when he used to tell me"to never try is to fail" thanks dad, even from heaven your advice is still helpful. Ive learned that coffee and lots of it will get you through a 5 hour cramming session and make it feel like you have only been cramming for an hour, Ive learned that when you study before bed, often times you dream of animals, most times its never a good thing, the horses are still out to get me.
Ive also learned that when a horse farts, they always get you when your nearest to their arse and even though you may have spent the better part of an hour straightening your hair,your efforts went to hell in a handbag, cause after a 900 pound horse decides to let one rip, you now have curly hair that would put shirley temple to shame. Ive learned that there will never be a bad day in your life so long as you have loving arms to hold you tight, lips to kiss away your tears and words of encouragement, Thank you Trevor, I dont know where I would be without you.
Ive learned that after a rough day at the vet clinic, there is always an abundance of doggie kisses and ambushes from the cats to make you forget about your day, thank you maverick, moses and spirit, my furbabies you will always be.
Ive learned that cows produce 100 pounds of farts a day, Im not sure who the poor bastard was that had to sit in close proximity to measure the amount of butt trumpets, but whoever you are, thank you for bringing that to my attention, its always something I will remember from large animal medicine.
Ive learned your never to old to conquer your fears, I am proud to say I am no longer afraid of horses, just a little more cautious when working around their arse, and rats no longer make me panic, kids if your reading this, it does not mean I will allow a rat to live in our home.
Ive learned that sometimes theres always going to be a hemmeroid in your life that no amount of cream can cure, I have also learned that my sense of humour has gotten me through alot of rough days.
And I have learned that Fireball is the cure all for everything from a cough to the worst case of the roids known to man kind. It either burns the little bastards away or gets you so drunk you forgot you had them in the first place, the jury is still out on this one, but after friday night and a quart of fireball I may be able to better answer that question.
The most important thing I have learned is, Animals have no voice, we have to be their voices, to speak for them when they are sick, unloved and unwanted. I know I am taking the right path to a great profession, my father always said I had more tongue then a mounties boot. I will use that to be an animals voice.
And I have learned that I am proud of myself, for having the courage to go to college, to be able to look in the mirror everyday and like who I see, who I am and who im going to be. Ive also learned that a good many days Ive been able to say, "I'm so happy I could shit rainbows and fart fairy dust". And may you to all be blessed with such happiness that you to can say
"I'm so happy I could shit rainbows, and fart fairy dust"
Saturday, May 1, 2010
MESSAGE FROM MOSES
Greetingsssssss Infidelssssssss
It is me Moses the cat ! I have hidden the human's camera and extra batteries and slipped a healthy dose of fireball into her coffee when she wasnt looking. She is now sleeping with drool hanging off her lip and has a fireball induced haze look on her face. Pay back to her for ambushing me with a brand new kitten !!! Let me fill you in on a little secret infidellllssssss, I may look like a cat, smell like a cat and deposit fresh meadow muffins in a litter box like a cat, but in my heart of hearts, I AM A DOG !!!!
I dont like cats ! or so I thought. She brings this new creature into MY home Tuesday, she didnt even let a brother know before hand, just carries him in expecting me to say ohhhh look a new cat ! I looked at this little orange fluff ball and all I could think was mmmmmmmm LUNCH ! I hissed, I was pissed, not so much at the cat but at the human. I growled, I hissed, I got even !
And what does the human do??? says oh Moses get over it you DRAMA QUEEN !!!! I'll KILLLL YOUUUU" is what first came to mind, but Im not a violent fellow so I took off upstairs and rubbed my ass all over her pillow. Nothing brings a good night sleep better then the fresh smell of cat ass on a pillow. I laughed, the human didnt. I must say I did have fun making her life hell for 3 days. You see when she wasnt looking, small fry and I have become pretty good pals. His real name is like me a holy name, a name sent down from Heaven, his name is " Spirit" but hes so puny I call him small fry, he doesnt mind.
The human even brought in moist food, warmed in that metal contraption that dings when its done, 15 seconds, no more no less and I am in liver pate extasy !!. The human caught us eating together yesterday DAMNIT my gig is up, she even captured it on her camera. She is gloating,, yes I won I won. I was feeling generous so I didnt have the heart to tell her, you didnt win shit, we have been pals since you brought him home, its just never been when you were looking. Small fry/spirit is a funny little fellow, he sleeps, eats, takes a shit in the litterbox as she sits down to eat her human food, perfect I say another body in the house who will go along with my evil plan of plotting innocent ambushes just to see the human fall on her ass.
" The God" FINALLY arrives home today, thank you jesus for that, he has been away all week and it has left the human to be a garage door widow and me a "garage door orphan" "My God" will give me all the belly rubs and moist food I want, "My God" is an awesome god. The beast is surely enjoying this new cat , he grooms him so much its a wonder the cat has any fur left on him. Cause you know there has got to be something said for a bald pussy MEOWWWWWWWW !!!! I didnt believe the human when she told me that spirit is 6 months old, he looks like hes 3 months. So I asked him to produce some evidence, first he stuck his ass in my face and said "DO YOU SEE ANY NUTS" ok point taken, like me he is nutless, he then opens his mouth wide and says "do these look like kitten teeth to you" I quickly reply "NO SIR they dont but holyyyyy shitttttttttt are we going to have fun attacking her feet while she sleeps now."
So let me be the first to admit to you all,,,,,, I like "Spirit" hes tiny but hes mighty, hes fearless, even when I got all up in his grill and bitch slapped him, he looked at me as if to say oh no you didnt mutha f**ka, so there you have it my infidels, we are bro's from different Ho's. But the human best not think another cat would be so welcomed into our home, us brothas has got to stick togetha on this one.
May your lives all be filled with catnip highs and liver pate dreams, and may you all be so happy you can say "I'm so happy I could shit rainbows and fart fairy dust" Now I need to go revive the human, get her up and cleaning the love shack before "The God" arrives home, and it will be funny for small fry and I to trip her up as she vacuums.
It is me Moses the cat ! I have hidden the human's camera and extra batteries and slipped a healthy dose of fireball into her coffee when she wasnt looking. She is now sleeping with drool hanging off her lip and has a fireball induced haze look on her face. Pay back to her for ambushing me with a brand new kitten !!! Let me fill you in on a little secret infidellllssssss, I may look like a cat, smell like a cat and deposit fresh meadow muffins in a litter box like a cat, but in my heart of hearts, I AM A DOG !!!!
I dont like cats ! or so I thought. She brings this new creature into MY home Tuesday, she didnt even let a brother know before hand, just carries him in expecting me to say ohhhh look a new cat ! I looked at this little orange fluff ball and all I could think was mmmmmmmm LUNCH ! I hissed, I was pissed, not so much at the cat but at the human. I growled, I hissed, I got even !
And what does the human do??? says oh Moses get over it you DRAMA QUEEN !!!! I'll KILLLL YOUUUU" is what first came to mind, but Im not a violent fellow so I took off upstairs and rubbed my ass all over her pillow. Nothing brings a good night sleep better then the fresh smell of cat ass on a pillow. I laughed, the human didnt. I must say I did have fun making her life hell for 3 days. You see when she wasnt looking, small fry and I have become pretty good pals. His real name is like me a holy name, a name sent down from Heaven, his name is " Spirit" but hes so puny I call him small fry, he doesnt mind.
The human even brought in moist food, warmed in that metal contraption that dings when its done, 15 seconds, no more no less and I am in liver pate extasy !!. The human caught us eating together yesterday DAMNIT my gig is up, she even captured it on her camera. She is gloating,, yes I won I won. I was feeling generous so I didnt have the heart to tell her, you didnt win shit, we have been pals since you brought him home, its just never been when you were looking. Small fry/spirit is a funny little fellow, he sleeps, eats, takes a shit in the litterbox as she sits down to eat her human food, perfect I say another body in the house who will go along with my evil plan of plotting innocent ambushes just to see the human fall on her ass.
" The God" FINALLY arrives home today, thank you jesus for that, he has been away all week and it has left the human to be a garage door widow and me a "garage door orphan" "My God" will give me all the belly rubs and moist food I want, "My God" is an awesome god. The beast is surely enjoying this new cat , he grooms him so much its a wonder the cat has any fur left on him. Cause you know there has got to be something said for a bald pussy MEOWWWWWWWW !!!! I didnt believe the human when she told me that spirit is 6 months old, he looks like hes 3 months. So I asked him to produce some evidence, first he stuck his ass in my face and said "DO YOU SEE ANY NUTS" ok point taken, like me he is nutless, he then opens his mouth wide and says "do these look like kitten teeth to you" I quickly reply "NO SIR they dont but holyyyyy shitttttttttt are we going to have fun attacking her feet while she sleeps now."
So let me be the first to admit to you all,,,,,, I like "Spirit" hes tiny but hes mighty, hes fearless, even when I got all up in his grill and bitch slapped him, he looked at me as if to say oh no you didnt mutha f**ka, so there you have it my infidels, we are bro's from different Ho's. But the human best not think another cat would be so welcomed into our home, us brothas has got to stick togetha on this one.
May your lives all be filled with catnip highs and liver pate dreams, and may you all be so happy you can say "I'm so happy I could shit rainbows and fart fairy dust" Now I need to go revive the human, get her up and cleaning the love shack before "The God" arrives home, and it will be funny for small fry and I to trip her up as she vacuums.
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