A Wake Up Call By The Cat

Good Morning and welcome back

 For those of you who own cats or rather have cats who own you, as seems to be the case, this blog entry is for you.  So sit back, get comfy and grab you favorite beverage of choice and join me on an adventure of a wake up call by the cat !

 I have a sign in our home that states, a cat doesnt have an owner, it has staff. I also have a sign that says cats leave paw prints on your heart. Nowhere in our half duplex do I have a sign that says, " cats, stinky little furballs who wake you in the worst possible way" However Im willing to bet I could be the next Bill Gates if I ever mass produced those signs. Cat owners around the world are nodding their heads in agreement. You see cats are demanding little creatures who demand (usually at the worst possible time) to be fed, to be played with, to awaken you from blissful slumber.

 I was having a great sleep, notice I said WAS , that is until at the first crack of a sparrows fart , or 6am for those of you with clocks in your bedroom, Spirit our adopted cat decided he should let me know that he and Moses were not only both wide awake , but also starvinggggggggg , come on now people help me here, they have dry food that magically keeps pouring down into their dish and at $22 bucks a bag ( thank god I get a work discount, medical your a wonderful brand but dear jesus do you make it with gold nuggets), they also have plenty of water and toys to play with. Instead Spirit decides enough is enough, he and Moses, aka mr personality have held out long enough, they want their moist food. DAMNIT !!! 

 For those of you who do not own cats or rather be owned by them, you may say something like,,, push them away, (trust me they keep coming back)

throw them out and shut the door( hmmm that doesnt work either, then you have two cats thrashing their bodies at the door wailing and going on so bad my duplex sounds like a really bad 70's porno) . It wasnt bad enough that he woke me up but it was how he woke me up that I have the problem with.

 I swear Moses sent Spirit to wake me up, First because Moses weighes 20 odd pounds and doesnt move for much unless there is food involved, Moses and Spirit remind me of Garfield and Odie, Garfield gives all the commands and Odie happily does them. Yup thats Moses and Spirit right there.
He sends Spirit up to awaken me also because , Spirit has the cute factor, hes a 10 month old creamy orange colored cat who looks and always will look like a 4 month old kitten , due to being born with an upper respirtory infection. And I will be the first to admit, HES CUTE. He is also a pain in my ass by times, take this morning for example.

  I feel him jump up on the bed, he nuzzles my head, licks my cheek and lays on my pillow so his little body is wrapped around my head. It truly was a kodac moment, and a moment was all it was.

From there he decides my hair isnt quite clean enough from my shower last night so he will wash it for me. He even threw in a complimentary head massage. His little paws were kneading my scalp I was feeling all relaxed and peaceful. When all of a sudden I now have a 5 pound cat on top of my head, hes digging his claws ( more like icepicks) into my scalp. He has my hair in his mouth tugging and pulling for all hes worth, and if that wasnt enough insult to injury he then shoves his ass in my face, wiggles it, spins around and then swats me across the head. Point taken lucifer I am now wide awake, my bladder is screaming as is my head and two "starving cats" are happily fed their moist food and for at least half an hour are satisfied.

  Yes my friends being the owner of or being owned by cats you decide. Is hard work indeed. But for all their early morning wake up calls, their furry asses in my face, and their daily ambushes, my life wouldnt be complete without them.

However if there were ever a mere twinkle in my eye with the thought of adopting another cat, well my friends that twinkle just flew out the damn window !!!

May you all be blessed with the sandpaper kisses from your cats and may they all leave paw prints on your heart. And may they make you so happy, you can say. I"m so happy I could shit rainbows and fart fairy dust"

Things I have Discovered While Being An Imsomniac

Good morning and welcome back

 Before you all start riding my ass like a crazed rodeo redneck,,,, let me explain.  Things have been wild here WILD I tell you.  First there is the college thing, might I mention a true pain in my ass at times. Then there is working with the vet, the sunshine of my life, my happy place and then there is the usual housework, making meals telling the kids its not my job to remember where they put things and reminding them to occasionally run a hairbrush through their hair. Then of course there are the animals or the "children Trevor and I were able to have together" as I often refer to them as. 

Maverick is the same ole pooch big, hairy and full of mischief by times. Then we have Moses aka Mr Personality, he hasnt changed much either, just got a little wider in the waist and a little longer in the tooth and still takes pride in his daily ambushes usually when I least expect them. Spirit our youngest furball is doing well, eating playing and is still and most likely always will be refered to as the BBLB, for those of you who dont know what BBLB stands for, it means booger blowing little bastard, having been born with the upper respirtory infection he sneezes and blows snot everywhere, usually I am his target, if Im not in sight my pillow is his second choice.  So there you have it now you know why I have been slack in writing my blog, so sit back get comfy and grab your drink of choice, seeing as it is only 10:09am here I guess coffee is my only option. And come join me on things I have discovered while being an imsomniac.

  All my life I have been told I am a high strung high energy person, I used to think that was great,,, that is until that bitch Imsomnia has entered my life. Knowing Im an imsomniac isnt the problem, the problem is finding out why.  I've tried the no caffeine after supper, the warm soothing bath ( in this house there is no such thing, there are either kids hollering mommmmmmmmmmmm or cats deciding oh cool the human is in that big white swimming pool that has water and whoop de doo tonight she must have eaten beans cause there are bubbles,,,, lets play in them) You may ask why dont I shut the door tight?? this my friends is the answer, its better to risk the chance of having a cat land in the water( which I may add they both love water) then to hear them yowl at the door and when that doesnt work shoving their paws under the door waving at me as if to say HELLOOOOOOOOOOO DONT YOU SEE ME!!!! cats are like hemmeroids,, a real pain in the ass and never useful but unlike the roids, I do love my cats.

 Being an imsomniac has its benefits I guess, I have discovered that cats may sleep all day but come night they are wild things on the prowl , usually by 4am they settle down. Did you know the birds wake up at 5am and begin singing for all the world or at least imsomniacs like me to listen to them and occasionally mutter these words, somedayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy someday Im gonna buy myself a gun lol.  Infomerials are freaking crazy, tell me this one, if Billy Mays died last year, then  why in hell is he still screaming at me to buy oxyclean ??? sure it works , we get that Billy but why even from our grave do I have to see your bad hair dye job gone real bad and  hear your screechy voice.

 Then of course there is Vince,, not only does he do the sham wow but he also sells the slap chop, cause you know YOUR GONNA LOVE MY NUTS. Hey Vince, thats right piss off an imsomniac enough and someday,,,, someday we will find you and see just how well that slap chop,, slaps YOUR nuts.

From there we are now entering Richard Simmons and his sweatin to the oldies, for god sakes man your a geriactric in support hose who looks like you have a chia pet on top of your head, ditch the shorty shorts cause honey that aint a good look , straighten your hair, and get rid of the tank top and scrunchy socks, Im guessing he wears the socks to cover the ends of his support hose.

 From there I switch to animal planet, you would think a person in college all day and working with the vet which includes working with animals, that animal planet wouldnt be on my top ten channels to watch, but sadly you are all mistaken, I get hooked I cant stop myself and 3 hours later I have watched a marathon of merecat manor and am pissed, PISSED I tell you that flower has passed away and the teenage merecats didnt pay attention while babysitting the young bucks and a goddamn snake ate them. By this time I fear going to sleep even if sleep came to me for fear that in my dreams I will be one of the baby merecats eaten by a SNAKE. 

 I by this time have switched over to TLC and whats on but the cake boss, someone pass me a gun right now, take me out of my misery, the guy simply put is annoying, everything about him is annoying his voice, his accent his whole freakin show, enough of this crap I say, time to switch over and watch the golden girls, Sophia is my favorite, she reminds me of my mother, short, older, full of spunk and might I add gas lol. Next its Good times where Jimmy whats his name yells DYNOMITEEEEEEEEEE, Im thinking it may take dynomite to have sleep come to me.

  Finally at 4am the cats of settled down, the dog is now awake from his 3 hour nap on my chest ( have I mentioned he is an 80 pound german sheperd) The golden girls have thanked me for being their friend and Jimmy has said DYNOMITEEEEEEEE for the last time , sleep starts to cast upon me I can feel it coming when all of a sudden I hear CAWWWWWWWWW at first I jump up and yell ELLEN I LOVE YOUR SHOW, sadly its not ellen screaming caw as she often does on her show, it is the flippin crows in our trees, from there the bluejay pipes in with his bit of gossip, the squirrels are running around looking for their nuts, hoping and praying to god that vince the slap chop guy hasnt slapped their nuts and the sun is now up. Imsomnia you bitch you won again but tonight you will not defeat me.

 May you all be blessed with peaceful sleep and may you wake up feeling rested, when that day comes for me I will glady shout "I'm so happy I could shit rainbows and fart fairy dust.

Things I wish I could explain to the cats

hello and welcome back

I know its been awhile since I have last wrote a blog entry, and to quote my hero Larry The Cable Guy "Lord I apologize"  But my life has been busy with school and working with the vet, and my other full time job, being a pet owner. So sit back, get comfy , grab your drink of choice and join me on an epic adventure of things I wish I could explain to the cats.

1) My alarm is set to go off every weekday at 7am, why must you feel the need to awaken me from blissful slumber at 6:59am expecting me to be all sunshine and roses, that extra minute really helps.

2) When Daddy is home and our bedroom door is shut, its for a reason. No amount of meowing, throwing your body at the door, or shoving your paws under the door franctically waving them to get our attention is going to work, I like your persistance though, it shows character.


3)  When will you ever learn that for everytime you get under my feet as I am walking to feed you, only prolongs your hunger. Also if you make me fall down the stairs and have my life flash before my eyes again you may end up waiting a full hour for my heart to stop racing before I can open that fresh can of moist food.

4) I dont need your assistance when trying to use the bathroom, I dont sit on your lap banging my head against yours as you sit on your litter box, also while we are on the subject, attacking the toilet paper as I am about to wipe my arse is not funny, painful yes but not funny, mental note,,,, time to clip your nails.

5)  Why must you groom yourself in the living room when we have company? are you trying to show off that you can put your back leg behind your ear??? Your not the only flexible little creatures in this house and some of us have longer legs then you.

6) Why , after you groom yourself incesently do you get upset if I happen to pet you exactly where you just spent 30 minutes grooming, I wash my hands with soap no less... yes Spirit,,, Im talking to you.

7) Why must you feel the need to assist me in the brushing of my teeth? I have been brushing my teeth for over 30 years and really dont see the need for you to wack into my toothbrush and drive it down my throat ! Thanks anyways, Dr Ramey would be pleased to know your concerned about my oral hygenine.

8) Why do you eat the worst ever smelliest food on this planet?? And then after eating your gourmet meal of salmon pate and quite possibly a little liver thrown in for good measure, do you have the desire to show your love for me by sticking your smelly little face in mine, and giving my face a bath with your stinky prickly tongue?? again Ive been washing my face for a very long time and I even use soap.

9) Why do you wait until I have finally just fallen asleep after another bout of insomnia, to attack my feet? Really are my size 7 feet taking up that much room on the bed?

10) Do you love me half as much as I love you? My life would not be complete without sandpaper kisses and life flashing before my eyes ambushes. Do I make you so happy you can say "I'm so happy I could shit rainbows and fart fairy dust"

To those of you who have pets , hold them close to your heart , spoil them rotten and be thankful to have them in your life. May you all be blessed with such great pets as we have and may you all be so happy , you to can say, "I'm so happy, I could shit rainbows, and fart fairy dust"

My Sisters

Hello and welcome back:

It has been awhile since my last post I know, but due to a nasty sinus infection that left me pretty much begging for mercy and leaving a permenant imprint of my dimpled ass on the couch, I didnt do much in the way of writing, hell I didnt do much in the matter of anything. I did however take little virtual walks down memory lane, I laughed , I cried, I took more buckleys pills and laughed some more. So sit back get comfy and join me on a walk down memory lane and let me introduce you to my sisters.

 I am the youngest of 9 kids, 5 boys 4 girls, the rest all have great names, Tim, Ken, Jeff, Janet, Susan, Stephen, Ross, Helen, and then me, I got the boring name, the one no one can pronounce let alone spell, plain old LoisAnn !!!!, They  were all blessed with middle names, I however was duped of that feat as well, Loisann is my full name, although I am usually only called that when in trouble from big mama. When asked why I got the name I did, I was told it was after my mothers 2nd cousin, cripes it may have been better if my name was after someone a little closer in the gene pool. I often told my mother how I hated my name and why didnt I get a better one, her response was, "after already having and naming 8 kids your goddamn lucky you werent just given a number. " I will say this, for as many cousins 2nd cousins and quite possibly the whole clan dating back to when Moses was floating down the river in a basket, I am the only Loisann !!

The only people who have the name Lois are all freaking crazy,,, let me explain, first you have the mother from the show malcolm in the middle, that crazy bitch cancelled christmas one year, she too has a mother named Ida and a sister named Susan,,,,, coincidence,,, I think not !  Then you have Lois the mother from family guy,  I digress ! She has an annoying voice, is married to a man who has a chin that looks like testicals and yup you guessed it shes freaking crazy.  Next you have Lois Lane, now this chick and I have been fiece enemies all my life, why you may ask,, well my friends when all your life you hear"hey Lois Lane, wheres Superman"? well up until I met Trevor I could have never used this line, but now when asked Lois Lane wheres your superman I proudly state," my superman is right beside me"


 Its funny how when your kids you never realize what sisters really mean, to me they were always older, got to stay up later, go on sleepovers, and for the older 2 sisters, got to experience the disco era and most likely dated guys in white leisure suits and fully understood the meaning of "groovy man" and how to do the jitterbug long before the song was made famous by George Michael, hell they probably even knew how to dance to "ah ah ah ah stayin alive stayin alive"
! My brother Tim truly rocked out his polyester shirt, platform shoes and yes you guessed it, his afro. Sometimes I bet tim wishes he still had the afro as he is now in his 50s and his hair is shall we say a little thinner.


 Janet was always dragging me around with her, where she went ,,, so did I ! She helped raise me because mom worked and dad,,, well he was a long haul truck driver and when he came home the last thing he wanted to do was hang out with the kids.  All my life people thought I was janets kid, after awhile we stopped telling people,, no shes my sister, we let them keep wondering ,pondering how a teenage girl in the 70s not only had a baby but openly walked down the street with her, it made for some good laughs and funny looks.
Susan used to let me tag along with her to, and I remember when I lost my very first tooth, sadly for susan it was lost into her right arm, the toothfairy still found me that night and it was probably Susan showing mom the bitemark in her arm that made mom remember to slip that shiny quartar under my pillow.
Next we come to Helen, now the poor girl was the baby in the family for 8 whole years until I came along.  Sure she liked me just fine while I was in the hospital, she said I was the reddest scaliest baby she had ever seen ( I was a month overdue and yes I did have flaky skin ), as soon as I came home from the hospital,,,, Helen moved out !!! Packed her bags and hitched a ride with family friends to stay with them for a whole week. Mom finally called and said when are you coming home, Helen said is THAT baby still there, mom replied yes and that BABY is staying, so Helen repacked her bags and came back home to stay.


  Looking back I see now just how many time Helen has been there for me, when her cat mable decapitated my little baby chicken named ping, and left him on the porch floor, headless and dead, it was Helen who took me rollerskating to take my mind off it and most likely to keep me from doing serious harm to her sex starved cat, that thing had more kittens in her lifetime, we got her when I was 3 and she lived until I was 19 and most likely still had sex right up until she died. 


 When at the age of 17 1/2 I found out I was pregnant with my son Austin, Helen was the first person I told, together we told my mother and a few nights later after spicy nachos at her apartment and a bottle of rolaids later we told my dad, not sure which was scarier, two pregnant woman full of spicy nachos and rolaid breath or facing my giant of a father to tell him his baby was having a baby. when my dad told me I broke his heart and stormed out of the room, it was Helen who wiped away my tears and most likely popped yet another rolaid in my mouth. Sure Dad got over it and welcomed Austin into his life, the first time he held him , tears rolled down his face and he told me how sorry he was for telling me I broke his heart, he said I thought my heart would break but after holding this little man my heart just grew even more.


Us girls have seen alot, been through alot , and have always laughed alot. When our sister Susan was diagnosed with breast cancer, we all stuck together we were more diligent with our own breast checkups( or operation titty touch as I called it) and through our tears we also laughed. To hear us go on you would think we didnt give a tinkers damn about what Susan was facing, but our laughter and joking was probably what got her through some hard days.
  We teased her about never having to worry about a bad hairday, how much money she would save on shampoo and when our brother Tim got married last August, we all took part in trying to figure out a way to tie her scarf around her little bald head.
Even bald she was as sassy and sexy as ever, we gave her a tricked out hairdo that day. As we were having pictures taken I found my eyes welling with tears, it was the first time all of us 9 kids were together and the first time our dad wasnt there with us. I looked at each one of my siblings and I smiled, because I realized we are strong, we are tough, we are family. 

 We may not say we love each other often, for those 3 little words seem very hard to come out, but what we dont say in words we show in other ways, phone calls, emails, in the summer and we are all home at big mamas, refreshed from long hours of floating on innertubes and air mattresses down the nashwaak river, to go back to moms, eat til we are about to puke, and sit around the bon fire and talk of years gone by, stories that usually include, 

remember the time Jeff and Ken got into a fistfight over a game of monopoly, someone put their fist through the gun rack , our nannie who lived with us would scream "Ida call the cops" mom would look up from whatever she was doing and calmly say, take er outside boys, I didnt clean this house for you two to get blood everywhere.  At the first sign of an argument, those were my nans famous words " Ida call the cops" quite remarkably,,, the cops nver had to come, moms words put more fear of god into them the a cop ever could have done.

If we could write a book on the things we did and the things we learned in that house, we would be authors of a best seller, instead we are rich with fond memories, laughter and wisdom we can pass down to our own kids.


 When moms house is quiet, if you close your eyes and listen closely you will hear a slamming door, shared secrets and plenty of laughter . May you all be blessed with great memories and terrific siblings, and may it make you so happy you can say "Im so happy I could shit rainbows and fart fairy dust"

Things Ive learned So Far In My Journey To Being A Vet Assistant

Good morning and welcome back

 As of Friday I will offically be done my vet assistant studies, and upon looking back to where my journey began these are the things I have discovered. So sit back, get comfy and grab your favorite beverage of choice and join me on another whirl wind adventure of "things Ive learned so far in my journey to becoming a vet assistant.

 I have learned that somedays your the windshield, somedays your the bug, I have had my share of being both the windshield and the bug. Ive learned that no matter how much you try, there will never be a cure for stupid, as Ron Tater salad white says"You cant fix stupid".  Ive also learned that on days when you think you cant do it anymore, there is always someone to say, you can do it, you will do it and we are proud of you, for that I would like to thank, Trevor, Teresa, Val , Diane and any of my other kook friends I have forgotten to mention.

 Ive learned that my father was right when he used to tell me"to never try is to fail" thanks dad, even from heaven your advice is still helpful.  Ive learned that coffee and lots of it will get you through a 5 hour cramming session and make it feel like you have only been cramming for an hour, Ive learned that when you study before bed, often times you dream of animals, most times its never a good thing, the horses are still out to get me.

Ive also learned that when a horse farts, they always get you when your nearest to their arse and even though you may have spent the better part of an hour straightening your hair,your efforts went to hell in a handbag, cause after a 900 pound horse decides to let one rip, you now have curly hair that would put shirley temple to shame.  Ive learned that there will never be a bad day in your life so long as you have loving arms to hold you tight, lips to kiss away your tears and words of encouragement, Thank you Trevor, I dont know where I would be without you.

 Ive learned that after a rough day at the vet clinic, there is always an abundance of doggie kisses and ambushes from the cats to make you forget about your day, thank you maverick, moses and spirit, my furbabies you will always be.

  Ive learned that cows produce 100 pounds of farts a day, Im not sure who the poor bastard was that had to sit in close proximity to measure the amount of butt trumpets, but whoever you are, thank you for bringing that to my attention, its always something I will remember from large animal medicine.  

Ive learned your never to old to conquer your fears, I am proud to say I am no longer afraid of horses, just a little more cautious when working around their arse, and rats no longer make me panic, kids if your reading this, it does not mean I will allow a rat to live in our home. 

Ive learned that sometimes theres always going to be a  hemmeroid in your life that no amount of cream can cure, I have also learned that my sense of humour has gotten me through alot of rough days.

And I have learned that Fireball is the cure all for everything from a cough to the worst case of the roids known to man kind. It either burns the little bastards away or gets you so drunk you forgot you had them in the first place, the jury is still out on this one, but after friday night and a quart of fireball I may be able to better answer that question.

 The most important thing I have learned is, Animals have no voice, we have to be their voices, to speak for them when they are sick, unloved and unwanted. I know I am taking the right path to a great profession, my father always said I had more tongue then a mounties boot. I will use that to be an animals voice. 

And I have learned that I am proud of myself, for having the courage to go to college, to be able to look in the mirror everyday and like who I see, who I am and who im going to be.  Ive also learned that a good many days Ive been able to say, "I'm so happy I could shit rainbows and fart fairy dust". And may you to all be blessed with such happiness that you to can say

  "I'm so happy I could shit rainbows, and fart fairy dust"

MESSAGE FROM MOSES

Greetingsssssss Infidelssssssss


 It is me Moses the cat ! I have hidden the human's camera and extra batteries and slipped a healthy dose of fireball into her coffee when she wasnt looking. She is now sleeping with drool hanging off her lip and has a fireball induced haze look on her face.  Pay back to her for ambushing me with a brand new kitten !!!  Let me fill you in on a little secret infidellllssssss, I may look like a cat, smell like a cat and deposit fresh meadow muffins in a litter box like a cat, but in my heart of hearts, I AM A DOG !!!! 


 I dont like cats ! or so I thought.  She brings this new creature into MY home Tuesday, she didnt even let a brother know before hand, just carries him in expecting me to say ohhhh look a new cat !  I looked at this little orange fluff ball and all I could think was mmmmmmmm LUNCH ! I hissed, I was pissed, not so much at the cat but at the human.  I growled, I hissed, I got even !


 And what does the human do??? says oh Moses get over it you DRAMA QUEEN !!!! I'll KILLLL YOUUUU" is what first came to mind, but Im not a violent fellow so I took off upstairs and rubbed my ass all over her pillow. Nothing brings a good night sleep better then the fresh smell of cat ass on a pillow.  I laughed, the human didnt.  I must say I did have fun making her life hell for 3 days. You see when she wasnt looking, small fry and I have become pretty good pals. His real name is like me a holy name, a name sent down from Heaven, his name is " Spirit" but hes so puny I call him small fry, he doesnt mind.


 The human even brought in moist food, warmed in that metal contraption that dings when its done, 15 seconds, no more no less and I am in liver pate extasy !!.  The human caught us eating together yesterday DAMNIT my gig is up, she even captured it on her camera. She is gloating,, yes I won I won. I was feeling generous so I didnt have the heart to tell her, you didnt win shit, we have been pals since you brought him home, its just never been when you were looking.  Small fry/spirit is a funny little fellow, he sleeps, eats, takes a shit in the litterbox as she sits down to eat her human food, perfect I say another body in the house who will go along with my evil plan of plotting innocent ambushes just to see the human fall on her ass.


 " The God" FINALLY arrives home today, thank you jesus for that, he has been away all week and it has left the human to be a garage door widow and me a "garage door orphan" "My God" will give me all the belly rubs and moist food I want, "My God" is an awesome god.  The beast is surely enjoying this new cat , he grooms him so much its a wonder the cat has any fur left on him. Cause you know there has got to be something said for a bald pussy MEOWWWWWWWW  !!!!  I didnt believe the human when she told me that spirit is 6 months old, he looks like hes 3 months. So I asked him to produce some evidence, first he stuck his ass in my face and said "DO YOU SEE ANY NUTS" ok point taken, like me he is nutless, he then opens his mouth wide and says "do these look like kitten teeth to you" I quickly reply "NO SIR they dont but holyyyyy shitttttttttt are we going to have fun attacking her feet while she sleeps now."


 So let me be the first to admit to you all,,,,,, I like "Spirit" hes tiny but hes mighty, hes fearless, even when I got all up in his grill and bitch slapped him, he looked at me as if to say oh no you didnt mutha f**ka, so there you have it my infidels, we are bro's from different Ho's. But the human best not think another cat would be so welcomed into our home, us brothas has got to stick togetha on this one.


 May your lives all be filled with catnip highs and liver pate dreams, and may you all be so happy  you can say "I'm so happy I could shit rainbows and fart fairy dust"  Now I need to go revive the human, get her up and cleaning the love shack before "The God" arrives home, and it will be funny for small fry and I to trip her up as she vacuums.

Whiskey For My Dog, And Farts From The Horses

Good morning to my faithful followers. 

I know, a whole week without a blog entry, but let me explain.  I have been busier then a 3 legged dog, trying to dig up a turd on a frozen pond. Between school and working with the vet, I have not had much time and am sad to report it has even cut into my consumption of fireball,,, a bit.  So sit back, get comfy, grab your beverage of choice and join me on a tale of whiskey for my dog, and farts from the horses.

Last Friday started out like most, I awoke to good morning kisses from Trevor, the I've got to pee happy dance from maverick, and the glares and ambushes from mr personality himself, Moses the cat. I also woke up with a slight migrain and the ever lasting taste of fireball on my palate.  Its cinnamon goodness got me through a rough night of nerves, and for that ,, Dr Mcgillicuddy, you are my hero.

 You see, last friday I had to overcome a bit of a fear, I have to admit although it hurts me deeply, that here I am a woman of the ripe old age of 33 1/4 and a vet assistant student,,,, is or shall I say was a bit afeared of horses.  I had to go to a horse farm, and not only look at these mammoth beasts, but also work on them.

 I soon found myself driving with a fellow classmate for 40 minutes, to the middle of butt F**K 
nowhere and my fears coming closer and closer with 
every mile we put on that little ford focus. My classmate
kept saying ,, are we getting close, I said you know you will
be getting close when instead of seeing cars on the road, you will
see ATV's and the occasional cow. She soon knew what I was talking about
when we were about 2 miles and a piece away from the farm.  She asked what I meant about "a piece" all I could think to tell her was, its not the kind of "piece" she was thinking of, much to my amusment, much to her saddness.


 We are the first to arrive at my teacher for the days farm, she greets us with did you find me ok? I assure her we had no problems finding her since she gave us wonderful directions, go up the road 2 miles and a piece, and its the only A Frame house on the road. I also had to explain to my classmate what an A frame house was, she thought I meant a Tee Pee, I said fo sho only this one has brick.


 I leave the warmth and the comfort of that little black ford focus for the damp and cold barn, but once my feet hit the dirt I felt like I was home. There has got to be something said for the aroma of fresh meadow muffins, to say wooo eeee we aint in the city no mo !!. I like the smell actually, fresh hay, clean air and the sweet smelling breath of large animals. Sure beats the smell of mavericks breath after hes helped himself to the kitty litter buffet.


 That day I decided to wear my lime green shirt, that on the front has a depiction of a woman riding a bucking bronco, on the back it says"git yer boots durty" my ever faithful jeans, hiking boots and a pink ball cap. I was fresh out of pink cowboy hats so the ballcap would have to do.  Pam loved my outfit, and was pleased to see that I was not a girly girl, when instead of turning my nose in the air to the smell of horse shit, said mmmmmmm I love the smell of a barn. Little did I know that I would be bringing that smell back home with me.


 After we all get there she tells us that we are going up the road a quartar mile and a piece to see a man about a horse, I got her joke, sadly no one else did and stood there for further instruction.  Back in the ford focus we go, although I longingly looked at her super cab pick up truck, with the allan jackson song , its alright to be a redneck stuck in my head.  We go see Mr Dorcas, he has clydesdales, mammoth work horses, who have a heart of gold. He also has some other horses as well. I took a pic of Mr Dorcas with one of his clydesdales just to show you how big this horse is,
pretty damn big isnt it? but an absolute sweetheart, 
as was Mr Dorcas. He told me to come back anytime 
little darlin(thats what he called me the whole time we
were there). I fell in love with a horse named Fiona she to was 

rather large, the song that came to mind when I saw her was "I like big butts and I cannot lie". Big ass , big heart she was a sweetheart for sure.

From there I go on a little adventure of my own, there is a smaller horse(those are the ones I have a fear of) giving me the look of come here you big pussy, Im not going to hurt you, and here my friends is the result,,
a lasting friendship !!!. This horse just wanted to snuggle in, give kisses and be close. We are now BFF's

 I can do this I tell myself, go see another one and see what happens,,, this my friends is what went down.
The beatles song"do you want to know a secret" is what came to mind. Listen, do you want to know a secret? let me whisper in your ear. Mr Dorcas was mightly impressed , not only with my courage, but for also knowing a good song, Mr Dorcas and I are now BFF's too.


 From there the fun ended and back to Pam's farm we went, where I worked my ass off let me tell you. I groomed the horse, did a bandage on her leg, cleaned
out her hooves, and led her around. As well as
listened to the lecture of the day. As I was grooming,
the said horse, by her tail she decided now would be a 
good time to lets just say LET ER RIP, she let a fart so 
big and so long it knocked the hat off my head, and made
my hair curl up. Thats gratitude for you my friends at its fullest
brush the horse til she is sleek and shiny and she farts in your face
I told her next time to warn a girl, I had my mouth wide open and 
everything, the horse by this time thinks its really funny and decides
to repeat the process and fart again.  By 4pm my boots were covered
in meadow muffins, my clothes reeked and my mouth tasted like horse
farts, it was finally time to say goodbye and enter civilization again.

 That night I was pretty excited about my accomplishments and decided to have a few shots of fireball, not much new there, friday is afterall fireball friday.  By the time I crack open the quart maverick hasnt left my side and this my friends is just how loyal to Dr McGillicuddy my german sheperd is --->. At least he has impecable taste.

 Obviously he isnt like me and cant handle his booze because after listening to roger miller sing chug a lug chug a lug, a few times, maverick "took a little slug , he drank it right down, I heard him moanin as he hit the ground"
  
So there you have it my friends, now you know where the title, whiskey for my dog and farts from the horses came from. *** Disclaimer***
 no animals were harmed in the making of this blog.I dont share my

fireball with anyone, not even the dog.
I can honestly say after that day on the farm
I came home and was able to say"I'm so happy
I could shit rainbows and fart fairydust. May you
all be blessed with overcoming your fears, and when
in doubt, do as I did, lean a little on fireball,that stuff
can cure anything from nerves to hemmeroids, and may 
you to be so happy you can say, Im so happy I could
shit rainbows and fart fairy dust.