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AHH I got the human good today and she is PISSY ! So grab your cat nip and liver pate and join me on a wild adventure of driving the human crazy.
I got her before the alarm went off, at 6:44am I pounced on her chest, banged my head off of hers and promply stuck my ass in her face, gave it a shake and said savor the flavour , does it smell like cookies?lazy ass GET OUT OF BED !
The human wasnt happy ! She said some vile words, stomped out of bed, tried to find her slippers, but I hid one under the bed,as she was down on her hands and knees looking for her now misplaced slipper, I swatted her ass, jumped on her back, and again butted my head against hers. By now she was all het up, her red headed temper in full swing. I decide to let her use the bathroom in peace, but as she was sitting there looking like yesterdays roadkill I thought to myself, I cant resist untying her lace again on her slipper, yesterdays events from that still make me laugh, I creep in slowlyyyyyyyy, GODDAMNIT abort abort !!! The dog ratted me out, I'll deal with him later!
She awakens the troops with such a bellow Im sure "the God" heard her at his apartment in Moncton. Troops are awake and I must say they look much better in the morning then the human does. As the human lets the dog out to do his business she neglects to feed me, seriously how can she forget me, I afterall am the rainbows and fairy dust of her life, the sunshine on a cloudy day, the furball who lives in her heart ! I make my presence known as well as the state of my dish isnt filled to the top, I meow, I purr, I get angry , then my infidels I get EVEN ! Oh yes, no one neglects to fill the dish all the way to the top and get away with it. As she is making the kids lunches, I do a jackie chan back flip, land on the counter, steal a piece of salami and nearly choke to death laughing as this redheaded pajama clad maniac comes running after me.
Was she really going to put it on the kids sub buns? No one ever said she was a domesticated diva, and I'll tell you this,,,, shes no martha stewart, betty crocker, or even aunt jamina, although she does have an aunt who kind of looks like aunt jamima. By this time she gives up the chase, I may be fluffy(she calls me that as not to make me have a complex) but I sure can move when I want to. Kids lunches are made, the beast as returned and thankfully this time his little posse of dawgs has not followed him in. Slobbering, farting drooling, butt sniffing weirdos that they are.
The human gets a text from "the God" and tells the beast and I that daddy is home sick with the flu, I feel bad for the god cause ive been yacking up furballs for weeks, those bitches are killers. I say a little prayer for the god to feel better soon, after all my god is an awesome god, he never gets upset with me , and Ive seen him laugh at the things I do to the human, of course never when she is looking.
The human says to herself she should go do dishes, self replies back, well they dont wash themselves and the kids must have an allergy to water and dishsoap, so off she goes to do that. Ah the kitchen , my favorite room of the house, I go with her for moral support, I soon leave as she starts singing along with Jimmy Rankin about a morning bound train, by the sounds of things, that train is off the track and heading for disaster. My ears cant take anymore of it , so I come in to poke at the dog a bit, his face is filthy so I wash it for him, he must think my impeciable face is dirty to because he licked from my chin clear up past the top of my head, GREAT just freaking great, now Ive got the "Donald Trump hairdo going on, and Donald it aint a good look and it sure as hell isnt the look Im going for, after all I am a stud, where as your the dud !
I swat the dog on the head for giving me such a terrible hairstyle and see that the human is going to do laundry, I go into my spy mode, though she may not see me, I am still there.
She comes down to the basement, bitching the whole while about kids, messes and of all things, the smell of my toilet ! Well little miss sunshine, you dont smell to purty either when you pinch off a wee rosebud ! As she nears the washing machine, I have to stifle my giggles, that makes me laugh even harder because when I hear the word stifle I think of archie bunker telling edith to stifle it. The dingbat is so close I can smell her Faith Hill perfume, I can even see the silver hair that has encompased her head woooooo eeeeee someone be a friend and tell her its time for some miss clairol or something, the hairs are so white they are blinding me.
Ok she is now at the washer, getting ready to turn the water on,,,, when I ambush her good ! I fly out of the washer doing another jackie chan move, she screams , drops the load of socks undies and that weird contraption she keeps her mountains contained in, clutches her chest, and yells foul words !!! I never knew the letter C could be constructed into so many dirty words, I grab my pencil and paper and jot them down for future reference.
I felt like I had true sucess in terrorizing her today but just to piss her off one more time and make her realize that my food dish is NOT filled to the very top, I jump on her keyboard as she is almost done a very hard level of jewel quest and TA DA that funny screen went away, she got mad, stomped out to the kitchen to make another coffee, finallyyyyyyyy looked at my dish and fed me ! I love my owner but shes no God in my books, as I have stated before and will do until the day she finally goes off the deep end and comes at me with that needle, that my god is an awesome god, and the other human well I just put up with her because shes good comedic relief.
May you all be blessed with catnip fun and pate dreams and may you all be so happy that you to can say "I'm so happy I could shit rainbows and fart fairy dust"
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