See You On The Other Side

Dear Dad

  How I miss you, your voice, your smell, the way you always made everything make sense , your kind words your everything.  So much is going on with my life right now and I know you are looking down saying, thats my girl !  I just wish you were here to tell me in person.  What I wouldnt do to be able to call you on the phone and say guess what,,,, did you know ,, and hear you say well I didnt know that before but now I do.  I  Miss your smile, your laugh and your sense of humor.  How I wish you could be with me on my graduation day, but I know you will be watching over me whispering in my ear, smile baby girl you worked hard for this.  I wish you could walk me down the isle when I marry Trevor, instead I will accept the fact that you will be there watching over me and giving me your blessing.  You were and always will be my hero ! What a lucky girl I was to have you for 25 years of my life, through good times and bad, happiness and sadness , life and loss.  I treasure every moment I spent with you and am blessed to say I was with you til the very end, thank you for that.  I hope you are happy in heaven, that you are watching over everyone here and over there and you hold them close and let them know they are loved. 

  As each day passes it gets a little bit easier, however no time could ever erase my memories of you, going in your transport truck, you holding my hand as we crossed the streetand my hand feeling so small in yours, eating a big mac talking about life.  Watching you with my boys and your love for them , puppies little man is what you called Austin, Luke was "pudge" and Isaac was "sonny" I never knew that was your nickname when you were little.  I know you are always around "checking in" for that I am blessed and thankful, just sad that you died to soon.  I promise you I will do what you always wanted me to, I will help animals , I will give them love, try to make them better and always believe in myself.  To never try is to fail , as you always said, so my promise to you is I will always try to do my best at everything.  God speed, sweet dreams. I love you !

Saturday Shinanigins

Hello and Welcome back

  I know I am seriously late getting my blog updated, for that my faithful followers I am truly sorry. So sit back, get comfy and grab your beverage of choice and join me in my epic tale of Saturday Shinanigans.


  Last night I consumed some fireball, ok maybe a little more then some, but it was all Diane and Susie aka slusie's fault.  Susie in ireland having a few drinks, Diane in Ottawa partaking along with me in some fireball or as she calls it firball.  We were drinking together via the web if you havent tried it yet I suggest you do its alot of fun.  Some 160 or so comments later , some of which still make me chuckle, I decide to make my way to bed, did I mention it was 2:30am ish???  Enter Saturday morning, 8 freaking am !!! Trevor is waking me to announce its time for a smoke, bathroom break and a coffee, all in that order, before we in the shower and get ready to go to Shediac to move him into his new apartment in Moncton.

  I mumble something about 5 more minutes, when the covers are then yanked off my very warm , pj free body BRRRRRRRRR I was cold in an instant and rather cranky in less time then that !  By 10am we are in the truck heading down the highway,  little did I know it would be the highway to hell.  Picture it , Fredericton -20 strong winds and snow blowing over already slippery roads due to that bitch we call winter who had just the day before made a very unwelcome appearance.  Actually the roads were not bad until we hit oromocto a mere 20 minutes away from our house.  We stopped and got breaky to go and back on the road we went.  Just as I had taken a bite of my bacon egg mcmuffin, the truck hit a patch of ice, its ass end slid, Trevor said F****KKKKKK and I damn near choked to death.  All is well hes a very good driver, I have by now managed to swollow my breakfast when the wind decides to play havoc with us, its tossing us around like a beachball on a windy day.  At this point I look at Trevor and say, if the roads are this F**KING bad here what the F**K are they going to be like in Moncton??? He just laughed and said we would be fine. As always he was again right, we made it there safe and sound, even though by the time we got to his old apartment I had said about 100 hail marys and im not even catholic and proceeded to the bathroom, to check my drawers fully expecting to see mud.  Thankfully I didnt see as much as a skid mark so off to packing up we went.

   Long story short we got everything packed and ladies this man tells me daily I have to many clothes,  upon packing up his duds, I want you to know, he has more damn clothes then any man I know !!!! 3 suitcases full, 2 laundry baskets full and by this time I am telling myself he best not bitch next time I buy as much as a new pair of bloomers.  SELF , actually agrees with me and says you go gurlllllllllllllllll but this time skip the cotton shit and go for something sexy.  We finally get all packed , loaded and are on the road to the new apartment.  It is a sweet apartment , decorated so well, and was ready to move into.  We unpacked a bit of stuff , but seeing as it was already furnished and we didnt have to move furniture it didnt take us long.  I am happy to report the roads were much better coming home .  We are now enjoying a nice quiet evening and to celebrate a new apartment, and making it there and back in one piece we are going to have a few drinks, me the usual fireball, i mean come on was there ever any question and Trevor his faithful captain morgan white rum and diet coke.  May you all be blessed with quiet cozy evenings with the ones who love you and may you all be so happy you can say, "I'm so happy I could shit rainbows and fart fairy dust"

Finally Friday Can I Get A Whoot Whoot !

Hello and welcome back !

  Guess what? It's finally Friday !!! My favorite day of the week as most of you already know.  The day when my everything, my best friend, the love of my life, my laughter and my happiness is back home and in my arms.  It is also Fireball Friday,,,, LADIESSSSSSSSSSSS you know what I'm saying !  So sit back, get comfy and get your shot glass ready and join me on my journey of Finally Friday how I've missed you.

  I awoke to sandpaper kisses from the cat at 6:44am, the alarm goes off at 6:45 !!!!  Damn you I say to myself , SELF  replies that cat is on a mission to drive you nuts, moses gives off a lovely purr to which I believe says he is in agreement with SELF !  I shuffle into the bathroom, take one look in the mirror and say oh sweet jesus have mercy on me !  My hair is a wild mess of cowlicks and curls, my eyes are their ever present state of two pissholes in the snow, and I discover Trevor's professional door dealers shirt that I wore to bed is on backwards.  Just as I go to sit on the turlet, Moses aka the cat from heaven or hell depending on the day, decides it would be fun to jump on the turlet seat. 

  My bare ass makes contact with his lovely warm furry body, and his claws make contact with my very cold, somewhat dimply bare ass.  He gives me a look like hey bitch, that aint how I roll, now get your ass off my head.  I tell him again until he can give me proof that he actually uses the turlet to move it or lose it.  From there I awaken the troops, from Luke I get jeeezeeeeeeee Im awake and Im not deaf !  From Isaac I get silence, this may be a good time to add that it is the only time during a day when that kid is silent.  In I go to tell him his ass better be out of the bed and his feet hitting the floor by the time my coffee hits my cup.  I hear mommmmmmmmmmmm,,, I dont feel good.  Oh for the love of God I say to myself, SELF as usual adds her two cents worth and says you have fun with that !  Kid is still in bed with what illness Im not sure, it could be the flu, could be hes overtired from so much basketball practise and games or quite possibly, he has the classic case of the friday flu.

  In my attemps to make it down our 15 stairs , I not only trip over the cat who feels the need to wind his body throughout my legs and feet, but also Isaac's boots and coat.  Great now I have two people trying to being me to an early demise.  From there I make my way into the kitchen, coffee is going to be good day, I am finally feeling better and will not only be able to taste it, but will also get to enjoy it to the fullest.  That is until the cat decides to make it known he is now out of moist food and he is PISSED.  He jumps up on our hutch in the kitchen where I keep my beloved fireball, he is winding his fat ass all around the bottle, it shakes, it wobbles and from across the kitchen I fly to save it from crashing to the ground.  I tell the cat he best hope he has more then 9 lives because if he had of broken that bottle, he would have been missing more then a few.  He then decides it would be a good time to start hacking up a furball, the whole while giving me the look of wait for it, I feel it , its coming, one more hack and oooooooooooohhhhhhhhhh yeah there it is !!!! He gives me a smug look and says have fun cleaning that one ole girl.

  I kick the cat out of the kitchen and I swear to god he was laughing at me, As I am down on my hands and knees cleaning up his lovely treasure, Maverick decides I need some comfort and none to gently shoves his nose up my ass, I fall forward and put my bare hand in the fresh pile of pussy puke !! Just freaking lovely I say to myself, SELF says oh I wish Trevor were here to see this, he would really get a bang out of it.  Cause god knows he could never clean it up. The cat gags, so does Trevor !  A strong stomache my little man does not have.  I have already told the cat that once I get the love shack cleaned he might want to think twice about yacking on my floor.

  So now my friends I am off to clean the loveshack and wait for Trev to get home , figure cleaning will make the day go by faster.  This week has drug on like a dogs ass on the carpet !  I am sitting here with a smile so wide I could put a banana in my mouth sideways, just thinking of how complete our house feels when Trevor is home. I am so happy I could shit Rainbows and Fart Fairy dust.  May you all have someone in your life who tells you everyday how special you are and how much your loved, and may you all be so happy , that you to can shout to the world, I am so happy I could shit Rainbows and fart fairy dust

Hard Work Pays Off

Hello and welcome back

  I am happy to report that I am beginning to feel a bit better now and have resumed the writing of my blog , and am no longer relying on the cat to write it for me.  However from the comments I have recieved I almost think you liked the blog being written by the cat just fine. Get comfy, grab your beverage of choice and join me on my journey of hard work pays off.

I went to school today with a bit of a heavy heart , to be quite honest I felt beaten down, wondering what in hell I am even doing going to school.  We are doing nutrition right now for a lovely 3 weeks, I am not impressed.  I find it very boring, and quite complicated.  So off to class I go, my head is pounding, my body is still aching from not only the cold flu bug, but also from my IBS acting up.  Sleep did not come easily last night, I was up alot in the night and even now my eyes still look like two pissholes in the freshly fallen snow.

  I enter the classroom, and before my ass hit my desk I was handed a huge file folder of work I had missed in the mere 2 days I was home. Lovely I say to myself, Self replies, oh shittttttttttt !  I tell self to shut up and listen to the lecture.  I feel my head start leaning closer and closer to my desk, its cool surface feels like heaven on my very hot face.  I keep that position from 1pm until 2:30 when we take our break.  As I am leaving the classroom the teacher informs me I look like hell and to stay home tomorrow, I am nowhere near being ready for a test tomorrow, she tells me I can write it next friday with my midterm.  I tell myself I can do it and self again replies OH SHIT !!! Again the thoughts run through my head, what the hell were you thinking, taking this course. After break we go back to the ya ya yadis of the lecture, when finally we got to do something fun.  We got fitted today for our scrubs !!!!!!!  I picked a beautiful color called Cier or quite possibly ceir whatever the hell its called its not a dark blue nor a light blue, sort of a pretty sky color with just a smidgeon of periwinkle in it.  I am stoked now I feel like we are getting further in our course and the end of the tunnel is soon approaching.  From there my day got even better,,,, We learned our stethoscopes will be in soon WHOOT WHOOT !!! now I can play dr with Trevor and actually have the proper tools :).  It gets even better, the warden sprung us loose at 4:30 pm.  As I am going outside to have a smoke while I waited for the girl I get a drive with everyday to get done class, I am summoned to the office, sweet baby jesus what now I say to myself, Self says once again OH SHIT !  Its all good !!!!

 I not only got picked for student of the modual ( for animal breeds and behaviours) I also had the top marks in my class !! So here I am looking like death warmed over, eyes resembling two piss holes in the snow, and a brown tshirt, jeans and pink hoodie, pretty cute outfit eh,,, yes it is , however it would have been nice to know I had to have my picture taken to be put on display in the reception area for all to see in the school.  I try to talk my way out of getting it taken today when Angie or Miss Angie as I call her said sit down shut up and smile, CLICK pic is taken and I smiled so hard I look like a kid on christmas day.  I say I am so happy I could shit Rainbows and fart fairy dust, then I read what my teacher had to say about me and it brought tears to my eyes, it made me realise that I damn well better start believing in myself because everyone else does, including my teacher.

  She went on to say I am a very dedicated student who works hard, is determined and during the animal breeds and behaviours I showed a great interest in it and had a very good knowledge of both subjects, ( it gets better) she also went onto say I would be a great asset to any veternarian with my knowledge , ever present smile and wonderful sense of humor.  I sat there holding that piece of paper , tears in my eyes and my dads voice whispering in my ear, thats my girl ! Ive always believed in you, Trevor and your friends do , now its time for you to believe in yourself.  It was like he was sitting right beside me talking to me, I could see him sitting in the audience as I walk across the stage to get my degree, hes smiling like a cat with a strawberry flavoured ass and hes proud.  I am truly blessed to have people that believe in me , even when I dont myself.  I hope you are all blessed with people in your life like I have, the ones who never stop believing, never stop loving you, and are there to lean on when you have a hard day.  I also hope you are filled with so much happiness you to can shout to the world ( or anyone who will listen) that you are so Happy you could shit rainbows and fart fairydust.  May the rainbows and fairies be watching over you all.

Greetings From The Cat !

Greetings Infidels !!!

  It is I, Moses the cat !  The human is still sick, so I have taken it upon myself to write this thing she calls her blerb,or perhaps its called a blog, whichever the case I have taken it over for the day, while she is in a buckleys induced sleep.  Last time she slept this long it was after consuming a quart of that vile smelling stuff she calls Fireball.

  Let me tell you all a little about myself. First my name is Moses and I am the bomb, the dude, the sexy studmuffin ! LADIESSSSSSS are you with me? I have two humans, the tall one with the big lumps on her chest and the little short guy who gives me great tummy rubs and often times gives me salmon when the warden has her back turned.  I think my male human's name is Oh God, because whenever he and my female human are in my bed, she calls him that, over and over and over again.  I just call him God and he seems to like that. Not sure what my female humans name is, God keeps changing it, sometimes shes called baby, hunnybun, and my alltime favorite , STINKY ! guess God has had the unfortunate task of having to go in the bathroom after one of her fireball benders or worse, after she eats something spicy.  She could knock the buzzards off a gutt wagon with that smell. She has no shame !

  The woman human is with me the most, therefore I like to make her life a living hell everyday. I ambush her as she comes down the stairs, I wont eat my moist food until she puts it in that box thing on the counter that makes that annoying beeppppppp sound when my breakfast is all done warming up, and I take great pleasure into sticking my nose in the air after she goes to all that trouble, because by the time it gets done in that box contraption, I have decided I wanted it cold.  This does not go over well with the human ! No indeed, she is rather scary when she gets all het up, I have even seen the God tuck and roll a few times.  I also take pleasure in banging my head off her book , she pretends to know how to read,but I have my doubts after hearing her trying to say some words that sound greek to me .  She also has a queer expression on her face when she is reading that big book she calls the mammoth, guess no one ever told her hooked on phonics werked fer me !.

  Today before she went off into her buckleys induced coma she attempted to cook ! I like it best when God cooks, hes much better at it and sneeks me human tidbits on the sly.  I am not sure what she was trying to cook, but they were brown things in a shell, that she kept bubbling on the stove for what seemed like an hour.  Then I dont know if she has major gas or it was those hard brown things, whatever it was, by the time she got done the whole house smelled like one giant fart ! 

  I got my human good this morning, she was sitting on that thing that holds water and makes a loud noise after she hits the button.  Her pants were down around her ankles, and she didnt see me coming because again she was trying to pretend to know how to read, this time a Nora Roberts book, either she cant figure out the words, or its a good book because she has "read" it 4 times already.  She has her nose in the book , a funny look on her face, this time not from trying to learn how to read those big words, I think its more of I have to do something, and it isnt happening kind of look. I get that sometimes after God sneeks me human foods, I get bunged up bad but never complain, you make a complaint in this house about food and the woman human makes you starve for 2 whole hours.

 I sneak in closer, I am so close the stubble on her legs is giving me whisker burn.  Oh she almost saw me, finally just as she reaches for that white paper stuff I pounce !!!  Her book goes flying, there is that white paper everywhere and I am laying on my back laughing my ass off.  Ambush of the day quite successful I might add.

  From there I wind around her mammoth paws as she lumbers down the stairs, the whole while whining about how sore she is, how she is thinking about ways to kill me and not be sent to prison for and telling me I am my fathers cat. YES I am JESUS hear me roar !  I figure if my dad is God, and I am his son that makes me jesus, I just hope she doesnt think shes the virgin mary !! She has three kids after all !.  I think I remember God's name, the one she calls him when they arent in my bed. I think she calls him scooter !  Yes thats it, however, in my eyes he will always be God ! God of the belly rubs, god of oh moses Im sorry your food dish is empty, and my favorite Thank you God! your the one making supper.  The other human is better with her music knowledge then her culinary skills. 

  Well infidels it is time for me to go search our my food dish to see if the human decided to feed again, search for my catnip filled ball, and quite possibly groom myself some more, it is my mission to get reoccuring furballs just to see her chase me around to get that medicine down my throat.  The human should be waking soon, she is smiling in her sleep like a cat with a strawberry flavoured ass, she must be dreaming about God again.  May your days be filled with liver pate and catnip dreams. And all that other rainbow shit and fairy dust stuff the human always says at the end of her blog.

Tales Of A Sicky

Hello and welcome back


  I hope none of you have this flu, to put it simply IT SUCKS ! So get comfy, grab your favorite beverage of choice( if I drink any more mint tea I will surely puke) and join me on my whirl wind adventure of Tales of a sicky.

  Normally I am what I like to think of as a robust healthy person, full of life and laughter, and usually high on life. Today however, I am freezing, achy, somewhat emotional and high on the scent of vicks vapor rub and buckley cold and flu meds.  Not at all like myself and I guess you should all know this, I am not a happy patient !!! Sickness does not sit well with me to say the least.  I am almost possitive that if you asked my beloved Trevor if he had the choice of being around me when Im sick or being near snakes, which he is terrified of, he would most likely take the snakes.  A snake you can run from, a snake doesnt talk, usually they arent demanding and from what I know about snakes, they dont weep and want to be held when they are sick.  I however do, I cant sleep, therefore neither could Trev, Im freezing so therefore Trevor would be dying of the heat.  I cant taste anything, therefore I wouldnt be able to taste his delicious cooking, not even his special sauce is tempting me today.  Hey get your minds out of the gutter !!! Im talking about his cream sauce with onions and mushrooms,I eat that stuff on everything its to die for.  Point being perverts I have no appetite which is just as well seeing as I cant taste anything.  It is also why Im cranky, I love to eat and hate it when I cant.

  I also learned a very valuable as well as painful lesson today , When you apply vicks vapor rub to your chest, make sure you wash your hands carefully afterwards.  Let me explain.  You see I applied the vicks to my chest the way my mama always did to me when I was little, however even though I thought a quick swish under the tap would rid my hands of the vicks IT DIDNT.  I then proceded to pee out my 8th glass of water and my 3rd cup of mint tea.  I am sure you can all see where this is going and its ok , you can laugh !  Basically my hand hit my bare ass and now not only do I still have teeth marks from the cat I now have vicks vapor rub on my ass !!!!! holyyyyyyyyyyy fire, feel the burn and believe me not in a good way.  I am pleased to say after applying a freezing cold cloth to my now cat bitten vicks attacked ass cheek , it is a bit better now.

  Another thing I learned ! VICKS SUCKS !!!! it didnt clear my chest, it didnt bring back child hood memories, it made my eyes water, my ass burn and my clothing reek !  Good thing its Trevor's professional door deals are hot shirt cause ladies I want you to know, after I put that so called medicated oinment on my chest I was HOT and not in the sexy way either.  From there I thought hmm got two new movies the other day $5 each at walmart, might as well watch those.  Made it through the first one, only had a few interuptions, the beast needed out, the "starving" cat needed fed, and my cloth for my hiney needed more cold water to it. I say to myself, SELF , things are looking up, self says hey moran your nose is running and the phones going to ring !  This self person must have esp or shes just damn smart havent decided yet. I tell self to shut up and enjoy the movie.

 The second movie just starts getting good, indians are capturing whiteman taking to river ,,,,, and thats all I got to see because the F***KING phone rang 6 times, 6 times people and it was the same person each time.  So help me Dyin Jesus I dont care about basketball, if your kid has a drive or if mine needs a drive and yadi yadi yadi.  Finally I say look Im sick, Im going back to lay down.  I hit the pause button the movie is back on, indians taking whiteman to river,,,,,, oh for christ sakes now what !!! Something catches my eye from the couch, I look towards the back door only to see the beast leaping in the air trying to get my attention. I say to myself, SELF, be you didnt see that one coming did you. Self says nope and you wont see the rest of the movie either because A, you need to pee, B your dying of thirst, And C, go write your blog you lazy bitch.  That self person is a slave driver, always has to keep doing something, always has to be in control god she reminds me of me !  So there we have it a day in the life of a sicky.  I am still miserable, cranky, emotional and all I want is for Trevor to be home so I could snuggle into him and have a nap.  Friday feels like its going to take forever to get here.  May you all be well and sick free and may you all be so happy you can say "I"m so happy I could shit rainbows, and fart fairy dust.

The Tale of the furball from HELL

Hello welcome back back

  So soon you say ! Not even two hours ago I posted a blog, almost being able to brag that my Monday was almost event free ,,, that is until just a few minutes ago. Sit back, get comfy and for christ sakes someone pass me a shot of something strong through the computer screen, I know I need it after what just went down at the love shack. 

  9:25am, I am trying to use the bathroom before the workers get here to finish up the windows.  Success I happily announce to the beast, who figures I may need moral support in my journey.  I wish I could train him to retrieve new rolls of asswipe because some jackass put the last roll on the holder, and didnt refill the stock in the bathroom, however, after typing that I realise I am the said jackass, because you see, I am the only one who remembers to add the toiletpaper to the holder.  Anyhoo, toiletpaper is back in stock, I had success, I need a coffee.  As I round the bottom of the stairs, I am not ambushed by the cat, if only it were that easy, Im getting quite used to his ambushes.  Oh no instead I discover or I should say my hiking boot, discovers a little to late that TA DA the anti furball meds worked ! Moses yacked up a furball so big it looked like a cross between a used SOS pad and a dead mouse.I slide on my foot going through the air like some kind of super hero, finally regain my balance and what is left of my dignity and  kick the now covered hiking boot off , slip on my slippers and am in the stages of cleaning off the boot.

  A knock at the door summons me that the workers are here to paint ! Awesome I say to that.  Slicker then otter snot, the cat who had not yet made it to the basement to prevent escapes, ESCAPED.  Out the door I fly, hollering over my shoulder, its ok hes a quick little bastard.  My feet hit the ground, my body flies through the air, I almost catch the cat and land on my ass !!!! Come to find out, slippers arent made for canadian winter weather.  I slowly pick myself up, checking to make sure my teeth are still in my head, because the pain going all through my body tells me I may be missing some, and we may need to serve jello at our wedding instead of cake.  Teeth are all accounted for, as is the cat.

  I get the little furball from hell, carry him in the house and after what he did next I am surprized he isnt dead yet.  Guess its good for him that I am walking like a 90 year old woman and cant kill him. He runs up the stairs, and lands in the middle of the paint tray, which I may add is full of fresh paint !!!
 

 Paint paint everywhere and none of it on my walls. I have paint speckles in my hair, on my face, my new hoodie, and my new slippers. The workman has paint all over him and the cat ,,, well he is no longer a brown striped tabby, he now has white all over him.  I take one look at the workman, I see his lips tremble, his body jerk and he goes into full body convulsions of laughter.  He said I have never seen a cat fly through the air like that before, thats the best laugh I have had in weeks.  At least he isnt upset, I however am. Not only do I have a hiking boot with encrusted furball stuck to the bottom, but now I have paint from asshole to appetite to clean up.  Its to bad the cat enjoys water, because I really could have made his life a living hell , and given him a taste of how he makes me feel on a daily basis.  Sadly he didnt mind his bath, and he really enjoyed the hairdryer. Nothing says contentment like a freshly washed and blow dried pussy I guess.

 I am listening to Mary Chapin Carpenter sing to me about, I take my chances, I think this should be Moses' theme song.  She went from singing that song to, you never had it so good, I never had it so bad. Its a sign I say, That song fits mine and Moses' relationship to a tee.  He has it so good, and all I get is the bad, the jingling of his incesent bell all night long, his daily ambushes, his puked up furball covering my favorite pair of boots, his now freshly washed furry ass that still has the distinctive odor of eggshell paint.  And he just returned from the basement, with that smug look on his face that says, hey infedellllllllll I left you a present in my litter box. His smug look then goes on to tell me , heres a hint, it may look like a tootsie roll, but guess again , its not !. Serves you right bitch, for making me gag down that terrible medicine, but guess what, it comes out both ends.  Remind me again why I let that little furball from hell capture my heart, because as of late, he may be capturing my heart, but hes also taking away what little sanity I have left.

  I have looked long and hard at the remaining fireball I have left, but I think it says somewhere in our student rule book, that coming to class under the influence is not a good thing.  May you all be filled with uneventful stress free days, and could you all tell me whats its really like. And may you all be so happy, you can shout to the world. "I"m so happy, I could shit rainbows and fart fairydust.

Monday Morning Moments

Hello and welcome back


  Another great weekend is now over and our work week is back on us like a  bad bout of hemmeroids.   My Monday has started out better then past Monday's only because I awoke to good morning kisses from Trevor, and not the dog.  So sit back, get comfy and grab your beverage of choice and join me on my Monday Morning Journey.

  Trev and I had a great weekend, we did a little shopping, made some great meals together and went out for one meal Saturday evening.  Veggies nachos, no jose jalapanoes please, and diet coke.  It was like living in cheese heaven.  Last night we relaxed, after another terrific meal, made by as usual, Trevor ! He is the chef in the family, I however am just the taste tester.  Sure I help get veggies ready or make the rice, but he does the main course, and does it extreamly well.  Last night at chateau Johnston, we had pork loin, rice and steamed veggietables mmmm yummy.  Usually when Trevor is cooking I come out with the line, are you sure your last name isnt Campbells, cause baby you are MMM good ! Last night however , I had forgotten to, be it because my mouth was watering for all the great smells wafting from our kitchen , or it was because by this time I was so hungry I could have eaten the ass end out of a skunk !

  Supper is over, dishes are done, ( he even did the dishes god hes amazing) and I went down to do laundry.  I at this point discovered that Betty did not make it through the spin cycle, and was very saddened by this.  After Trevor pretended to play the "last post" on his imaginary bugle ( it actually sounded life like and he did a good job) for the passing of Betty, he brought me in a coffee, a butter tart and a kiss on the forehead.  From there we discovered that desperate housewives was a repeat, we were both a little pissy over that one, I guess I got Trev hooked on that show.  Finally we decide its time for bed, he has a two hour commute to work so an earlier bedtime is needed.

  I am telling Maverick the whole way up the 15 steps to heaven, he is not sleeping with us tonight, first and foremost, hes a bed hog, I end up being stuck in the middle, with not even enough room to wiggle my toes, let alone sleep with my head on Trevor's shoulder, and my foot resting on his, its the only way I can fall asleep, my foot has to be against his.  Maverick is NOT impressed by this and promply flops to the floor, sighing like his life is over.  The cat attempts to breach the perimeter, his mission is soon aborted, and he to finds his sulky little furry ass out in the hallway.  So for payback all night long I got to hear the jingle jingle of his bell connected to his collar.  I dont know if he is traning for the olympics or he was on a mission to destroy my rest, whatever the reason he is lucky to be alive this morning. 

  Trevor and I fall asleep, cheek to cheek, our little bums were like two warm loafes of bread, fresh from the oven, my foot was against his , ah life is great,,, or so I think.  I ended up wearing my night guard so I wouldnt clench my teeth as I drifted off to dreamland.  Great idea in theory, never one to repeat history, that thing is going in the garbage.  I woke up to a dull thud in my ass, oh sweet jesus, the beast has broken through the door and its his claws digging into me was my first thought.  I cautiously open one eye, look around and nope, no dog, by now I am really freaked out, what in bloody hell can be attacking my ass? And before you ask, no it wasnt Trevor, he was on his belly snoring away, his hands and other body parts nowhere near me, except his foot, he can move it away but even in my sleep, I find it again.  I reach down fearing what I may put my hand on and what should it be? MY NIGHTGUARD !!!! I must have spit the damn thing out in the night is all I know, or maybe in my sleep I reached up and took it out.  It is also quite possible Trev yanked it out of my mouth while I was sleeping, so that he to could get some rest, I tend to have a harder time sleeping with it in my mouth and probably make sucking noises to keep it in place.  Long story short, its out of my mouth and biting into my ass.  Guess it to thought my ass resembled a loaf of fresh baked bread and wanted a bite.  I now have the outline of my mouth on my ass, its a lovely sight, I recommend that look to all of you !

  At 5:30 am or there abouts it was time to wake up. Holy snappin assholes it felt like I had just closed my eyes !  Up we get, his butt still lookin fineee ! LADIESSSSSSSSSSSSSS are you with me ?  Mine now resembling a lumpy loaf of bread with a bite taken out of it.  Down we come for a cup of coffee together. I say to myself. self, your one lucky lady ! Self agreed with me fully on this one.  Another thing self and I agreed on is this. That cat is trying to kill me !!! I dont know if he has a bookie and some kind of damn good insurance plan taken out on me or what, but his sole missions in life are 1) make me stay on my toes and 2) wonder every day what I was thinking to get him, and then 2 seconds later say, I cant imagine my life without that cat !

  I am down the stairs, this time no ambush, heyyyyyyyyy things are looking up ! WRONG ! he got me the minute my feet hit the kitchen.  He leapt from out of nowhere, batted at my foot, swatted at my head, and butted his head against my hand, the whole while I am trying to make a cup of coffee, as my eyes as usual look like two piss holes in the snow.  Trevor comes back in from letting out the beast and said, that cat is spoiled, he kept butting his head against my hand, looking to be fed his moist food.  I didnt tell Trev thanks for taking the easy job of releasing the hound, and leaving me the very difficult, often times messy job of feeding, sir lick alot a fur.  I open the can, its jelly form of what the can tells me is seafood medley slips into his dish with the unforgetable THUD sound, the cat is on it like white on rice, I shove his head back, so I can add his anti furball medicine to it, his head is once again back in the dish.  Long story short, his anti furball medicine is a malt, molassas, mineral oil sticky stinky concoction made to help rid the dreaded furballs, they also forget to mention it also works as a laxitive !!!

 I manage to get maybe half of the full teaspoon of the vile junk into his dish, the other half of it is now on his head, my hands and upon further inspection, my new slippers.  Damn you furballs !!!! But it was either that or listen to him hack, spit, resemble the noise of a fresh pot of coffee just getting done perking, and then the ever present look of , mom dont you see me, Im dying here, my last request is some moist food !!!  I just hope the meds work as great for the furballs like they do the unmentioned laxitive its also used for !

  Before long the workers will be back to finish up the windows, all they need to do today is paint around the windows , surely to god they will be done before I leave for class.  I start animal nutrition today, its only for 3 weeks but I dont think its going to keep me on the edge of my seat like animal behaviours did.  Hopefully I not only get my marks back on my final exam for animal behaviours, hopefully I pass it as well.  It was a bitch to do, took me an hour, and I spent most of the weekend going over it in my head , second guessing my answers. Then I heard my dads voice in my ear, like he was standing beside me saying, to never try is to fail !  That is a life lesson I carry with me everyday.

  I am off now to find the cat, and secure him in the basement, that way there he isnt doing one of three things,

            1) hatching an escape plan
            
            2) mastering his escape plan, as the workers come in and out
   
            3) getting covered in paint, and what he does best, acting like he
                hasnt eaten in days.

 May you all be blessed with pets, who on occassion drive you nuts, but also warm your heart and make you smile. And may you all be filled with so much happiness, you can all proudly say "I"m so happy , I could shit rainbows, and fart fairy dust

Rest In Peace Betty Boop.

Hello and welcome back

  Tonight my friends I regret to inform you all on the sudden and tragic loss of my beloved betty boop pajamas.  So sit back, get comfy ( possibly in your fav pjs) grab your beverage of choice, somehow I dont think my coffee is going to be strong enough, and join me in rememberance of my beloved betty.

  Betty as she was often refered to was my constant companion, my comfort, my friend.  She was there for me during Trevor's heart attacks, she gave me comfort on those nights, when I was worried I was going to lose my soul mate, my best friend , my laughter, my everything.  She was also there the night before my first day of college, she kept me warm, and helped me get through a very fitful night of sleeping. Her red lips and huge boobs always made me smile.

  She took a decline in health a few days ago when a small hole appeared, I only wish I had of tried to fix her then, maybe now she would still be with me.  From the small hole it only got bigger, when once again I was ambushed by the cat, with betty down around my ankles, as I waddled to retrieve toilet paper.  As I went down, her tear only got larger.  I thought she may need a bath , so I put her in the washer, and there my friends ,is where it all happened. Betty tragically did not survive the spin cycle, I should have known. That spin cycle can be a real bitch !
  I had tears in my eyes tonight as I retrieved her lifeless little soul out of the washing machine, I think it may have even deflated her boobs :(  Betty is gone, no amount of mending is going to bring her back.  So now it is time to give her a proper buriel.  No garbage bag will do that great woman justice ! So from my hands, she will be placed in my closet where all of my other treasures that have given me laugher, love and comfort rest.  From the dragonfly balloons Trevor gave me one year for my birthday, to my late fathers favorite sweaters, to my birthday cards given to me by my late grandmother.  Betty will be happy there surrounded by all the love and comfort of her closet mates.  She will never be forgotten and her spirit will live on.

 Tonight my friends, I am not so happy I could shit rainbows and fart fairy dust, instead I am sadly shitting rainbows and wiping away fairy dust tears .  May you all be blessed with such treasured pajamas, the kind that give you comfort, the kind that are there and waiting for you after a long day. And may you all be blessed with so much happiness in your lives, you to can all say I am so happy, I could shit rainbows and fart fairy dust.

The Legacy Of Diane, No Longer Being A Fireball Virgin

Hello and welcome back

  The blog entry today ( its 1:04am Sunday morning, ) is about a friend of mine named Diane, who had up until the present time never had fireball touch her lips.  You see my friends, I fireball devirgined her,  So sit back, get comfy, and grab your favorite beverage of choice, ( I can only assume fireball wont be hitting Diane's palet again anytime soon) and join me on our epic journey.

  8pm Diane alerts me on her status that she has fireball, she then posts a comment on my status asking if I want to take part in the consuming of it.  On any other given day I would have jumped at the chance, today however I awoke to serious pain due to my TMJ, my jaw was killing me, the pain was shooting from my jaw, into my ear, up through my eye and finally found its resting spot in my head.  But seeing as it was me who has told her the wonders of fireball. I felt it was my duty to giddy up and pour a round or two.

  I had warned Diane that it is very strong stuff, its 33% booze, corn whiskey to be exact, and it clearly states, ingredients,whiskey.!!! thats it nothing more.  It to also states haze may occur naturally.  She was reminded that fireball is a sneaky little bugger and creeps up on you when you least expect it, usually when you stand up to release the flood gates of a very full bladder, you discover a little to late that you are more then slightly intoxibicated.
  We keep commenting on her status update, the more she drinks, the worse the typing gets.  Her friend Susie , from Ireland soon joins in and holy sweet mother of god I have never laughed so hard in my life. As I mentioned Diane couldnt type very well, in fact a blind monkey would have had a better chance at it.  She kept calling Susie, Slusie, from there it went to sluei to slueki. 

 At one point in the conversation I had to go release the flood gates and when I returned, they were talking about Roger Rabbit, funny movie from the late 80's cool I think we are going retro. From there the talk went to brazilian waxes, I stated that so long as there are mach 3 razors in the world I wont have a problem, because theres no way hot wax is coming anywhere near my hoo haw.  They seemed to like that comment, again I go to release the floodgates , return and they are now talking about of all things, tooth brushes.  Weird I say, from waxed hoo haws to bright shiny smiles, but hey who am I to judge.  There is big talk of the vibrating kind, to that I state , I dont like vibrating things, they weird me out, especially in my mouth.  Diane says what about a water pic?  I said yuck I dont like water being squirted in my mouth, and then my friends it all came out what those two drunks were talking about, and believe you me, it wasnt about colgate and oral B !  Who knew they made those things with such names as Roger Rabbit, and the waterpic???

  The redness has left my face now, a mere 4 hours after the fact , but all is well and I can honestly say , I learned something new, whether I wanted to or not.  This goes on for what seemed like hours, Finally I say I am off to bed !!!  I putter around for a bit , talk to Trevor, and consume some fireball.  Later I decide to go back on to see how Diane made out and this my friends is what I read.  I am still laughing and she really should have had a disclaimer on her status saying, peach excuse my smelling pistakes, I have a peach inspediment. Because I really had to think a few times on what she was trying to say, because she was so loaded she couldnt type, but its ok, in her own little world her typing was just fine, it was just her computer acting up,

  As I am reading the comments all 208 of them ,,, I read where Susie aka slusie says to Diane, hey Diane, how much you wanna bet Lois is getting it on with Trevor, Diane reports back that they need a Trevor and she really spelled it badly lmao. She then goes on to say hey slusie, I really has to pee but Lois said it hits you really hard when you stand, ( I am reading all of this to Trev, we are laughing our asses off , as I am telling him how things are spelled)  It took me a full 5 minutes to get my laughing under control enough to tell Trev that part and even then I could barely read it. 

  I can only imagine how Diane will feel in the morning, I can tell you she will probably be spending a good part of her day with her arms around the toilet bowl and she wont be singing any praises for me or the firball as she types it lol.  She may also have a head the size of a football, and I can almost guarentee, if she has an old tom cat, she probably spent half the night talking to it under the kitchen table.  I just hope she didnt fall asleep with her head on the keyboard and her bladder still very full.  I also hope that she can look back on all of this, her new adventures to being devirgined of fireball, and laugh enough to say, Im so happy I could shit rainbows and fart fairy dust.

  I hope you all have great friends like I do, near and far, who make you so happy you can all exclaim "I'm so happy , I could shit rainbows and fart fairy dust"

Saturday Morning Stumbles

Good morning and welcome back

 The blog title should say it all , but for those of whom like me, are either still half asleep, or hung over( I fit both descriptions) let me explain.  You see I stumbled off to bed at 3am, I then stumbled out of bed at 10am to the  ever present I have to pee jig by the beast, and yes my friends, I stumbled over the damn cat in my haste to go do my pee jig.  So get comfy, get your beverage of choice and join me on my epic tale of what a fireball Friday night can entail.

  To start off with, it was all Gretchen Wilson's fault, you know the singer who sings about can I get a big hell yeah for a redneck girl like me, HELL YEAH.  You see the quart of fireball was sitting there staring at me, tempting me with its yumminess, and along comes Gretchen not only telling me to be proud of the fact that I am a redneck, but then she also sings about getting all jacked up.  Jack Daniels is whiskey I say, Fireball is whiskey, holy snappin assholes its a sign.  The bottle by this time is open and not only opened but also flowing quite well into the shot glass. Also I should mention that it was only 8:18pm.

 Fireball, country music, and the man I love with my everything are all right here, sweet baby jesus I've died and gone to heaven.  Little did I know I would wake up feeling like Id died and couldnt remember seeing the white light showing me the way.  I was like the old Irish Rovers song, wasnt that a party, my head is like a football, I think Im gonna die, you know the song, however I wasnt under our table talkin to our old tom cat.  I listened to Mary Chapin Carpenter singing to me about passionate kisses, Stompin Tom Connors sang to me about a sudbury saturday night, and theory of a dead man gave me a new line to use when I have had one hell of a bad day, for now on when Im not happy I will be saying this, so if your pissed like me, bitches this is what you gotta do, put your middle fingers up in the air , go on and say f**k you !  Now that my friends is saying it as it is.

  Trevor by this time has been into his captain morgan white rum and diet coke, and by this point is three sheets to the freakin wind.  Sad reality is he is full of wind and also ate brocoli for supper, mental note dont stand to close and DONT let him pull the covers over your head cause honey you aint gonna make it out with your eyebrows still entact, and there is also a very good chance you may not make it out alive. He is also by this point saying his classic line, hey honey guess what? "I'M TOAST" . Sweet mother of god this to is never a good sign.  This states to me that even though not 5 minutes earlier when I was singing along with Mary Chapin Carpenter about passionate kisses, I knew deep down all I was going to get was a pat on the head and the sound of snoring. 

 Trevor has been known to come out with some classic lines, from whoooooo eeeeeeee , that was all Trevi, to exclaiming to the innocent cashier at the grocery store one day that when we get married we will have to have jello and not a wedding cake because no one on my side of the family has any teeth.  I you see just before that comment had been looking at a wedding cake book.  The cashier doubled over , almost dropped my eggs and when I asked her what he had said, she replied darlin if I told you, there wouldnt be any need for you to look at wedding cake books.  Finally halfway home he tells me what he told her.  Damn fool ! For the record we all have teeth and only a few of us really enjoy jello.  He has also exclaimed quite loudly in a grocery store , for christ sakes hun dont you dare buy any more icecream, you already shit yourself once today.  Yes I have IBS however it had been awhile since the dreaded icecream attacked me .  So one day I figured hmm I will get him back. As we were going into a store, he was behind me, so I opened the door, stood back and said shit before the shovel, turned around and it wasnt Trevor behind me , but some strange woman I had never set eyes on before, you see , there were two doors and Trevor held the door open for her and was standing back grinning like a cat with a strawberry flavoured ass. I at this point could have crawled into a hole and died. She just laughed and said , husbands, you gotta love them.  I said oh hes not my husband YET !  So you see my friends, Trevor has a great sense of humour and I guess its a good thing I do as well.  May you all be blessed with people in your lives that have a great sense of humor and may you all be blessed with so much happiness that like me, you can exclaim. "I'm so happy I could shit rainbows and fart fairy dust"

Friday morning Freedom

Good morning and welcome back !

  Well my friends it has been a great morning so far.  Sit back get comfy with your beverage of choice and come join me on my epic journey of friday freedom.

  This morning the alarm woke me as it always did at 6:45am.  Instead of being awoken to Maverick's ever faithful I gotsta pee dance number, I awoke to good morning kisses and I love you's LADIESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS are you with me on this one ! FANTASTIC I say ah life is great.  I haul on my penguin jammies as betty is still in the dryer and Im not quite sure she made it through the wash alive, that spin cycle can be a real bitch.  I call out to summon the troops and begin to start my day.  You see today is friday, not only do I get to write my final exam on animal behaviours, I am also totally stoked for it. I am going to blow that duck right out of the water, I am going to show where the bear shit in the buckwheat patch, you get my drift. Today is also my favorite time of week not only because its the beginning of the weekend and also to ringing in "Fireball Friday" but it is usually the day when Trevor comes home, thankfully I am super spoiled and as he says what his baby wants, his baby gets, and he came home last night.  Today is also the day we get new windows installed, kitchen , bedrooms and bathrooms. 

 Long gone will be the day of seeing our blankets move, and not from our long past supper honking helloooooo, no my friends its from the wind sucking through the windows, around the windows and under the windows.  It was down right nipply to say the least. Sure there is noise, sure there will be mess, but you cant put a pricetag on warmth especially when that bitch we call Winter is still upon us. Thankfully its a gorgeous sunny day here in Fredericton, not chilly in the love shack at all.  Maverick has made some new friends today, we got the workmen to come inside to meet him before they started the work, I gave him treats and a shitload of praise when he went over and gently sniffed them.  One of the workers named Dennis is mavericks new best friend, he comes down the stairs, maver runs for him to play, he comes in the house maver runs over for more play. All in all I couldnt be happier with the beast's behaviour.

 Most dogs with new people in their home making tons of racket with hammers and saws would flee, not the beast, he runs up the stairs, sits by the closed door and waits for Dennis to magically reappear for more playtime.  The cat however is NOT impressed, are you really surprized?  He loves loves LOVESSSSSSS the basement, usually.  However today when I took him down, along with his moist food, kibble, water , toys and a damn good belly rub , he gave me the look of death.  He has two litter boxes, one in our entryway/mudroom as well as one in the basement so he is good to go. But today he figured because I placed him down there, and not on his terms, it warrented a bitch slap accross the ankles.  He will get over it.  Trevor is working right now for a bit, but should be back before I leave to write my final.  If he isnt I will put Maverick in the mudroom with the door closed, just incase his attitude should change. He is great when his masters are in the house, but I really cant take the risk or the chance of trying leaving him to run free in the house alone with the workmen here and us not.  He is a germen sheperd, they are protective, they are loyal, they are in my eyes one of the best dogs to own.  I wouldnt trade him in for anything.  I am on a mental high right now, I know I am going to do well on my final, and I know not only will I be able to have some celebratory drinks of my beloved fireball tonight, I know I am so happy I could shit rainbows and fart fairy dust.  Wish me luck with the final as well as the installation of the new windows, and may you all be so happy, that you to can say, "I'm so happy, I could shit rainbows and fart fairy dust."

Moses Doing his LADIESSSSSSSSS are you with me, cause im so damn saxy look.

Maverick snuggling with me after I had gotten back from a not so great dentist visit , hes a big dog with an even bigger heart.

Confessions Of A Domesticated Goddess

Hello and welcome back to my faithful rainbow and fairy dust followers

  Wow having a day off for good behaviour is kind of wild. So sit back, get comfy and pour yourself your favorite beverage,  by the time you finish reading this blog entry you may find if anything out of pure sympathy for me you will need a stiff drink.

  After my phone conversation with Isaac's teacher I was livid !! to say the least.  So I did what I do best when I am stressed, I cleaned !  I took my fustration out on the dishes, and there would be hell to pay if there were spots left on the silverware.  I my friends was on a mission, I scrubbed so hard and so violently I broke out into a sweat, or hell maybe it was a hot flash who knows.  Point being the dishes are all cleaned, and actually sparkle.  From there I thumped up the stairs, telling the cat,you ambush me this time you little furball from hell I will cut you off of moist food for a day !! Up the stairs I go, I gather laundry that I swear to god I just finished washing, drying, fluffing and folding not two days ago.  It is a mystery in our house of not only where do the missing socks go from the dryer, but also how do the kids dirty so much clothing in a mere 2 days.  From there I go into the bathroom, tell the cat that until he can proove to me he actually uses the toilet to move it or lose it because by this point my already weak bladder is getting weaker by the second.  Cat gone, I start the process of eliminating my 4 glasses of water, when what do I discover, 2 things actually, first and most saddening is my betty boop jammies have a huge ole hole in the arse end. Not sure if the seam let go, or I had a huge fart and blew out the hole, either way it means Im going to have to sew.  Second thing I discover after I finish using the washroom is, the F***king toilet paper roll is EMPTY.  Out to the hallway I waddle, bettyboop down around my knees, and Im cursing all the way.  You might ask why the toilet paper is kept out in the hallway? 
  Its quite simple actually. We get a huge bag of 32 individual wrapped rolls of ass wipe that is purely divine, you would almost swear your wiping your hiney with silk. We get it at costco and it comes in a huge bag, and well our bathroom isnt very big , so to the hallway it lives until needed. Anyhoo, back to my waddle story . As I am waddling to get the toilet paper, with my betty boop jammies with the now very large hole in the ass end, down around my knees, the cat figures this would be a great time to ambush me !!!

 Down I go and none to gracefully I may add, toilet paper goes flying down the stairs, my body is in such a state that in any other conditions may actually look sexy, my feet are tangled in my jammies and the cat thinks I want to play.  He starts batting at my head, I push away in my attempts to not only get back up, but to also regain what little bit of dignity I have left, as well as finish doing when I realised no one refilled the empty shit paper roll.  The more I move, the more the cat thinks I want to play.  Hes batting , his jabbing, the little bastard even bit my ass, which I may remind is still bare assed to the wind.  IT HURT.  Finally I somehow get the cat away, get back up and what I saw next made me laugh.  Here sits Maverick with the roll of brand new toilet paper in his mouth, he went down and got it when it went flying down the stairs after the ambush by the cat.  Now this is major my friends, maverick you see has a huge fetish for paper of any kind, he could have been down there dining on fine grade ass wipe, but he didnt, he once again came to my rescue.  For that he got 4 treats and that asshole cat got nothing, but a dirty look.
  Ok so after 20 mins my bathroom adventure is over, down I come , still holding my butt I may add, only to discover I forgot the damn laundry upstairs.  AHHHHHHHHHH back up 15 steps, only to have to turn around and come back down 15 steps.  By this time I am exhusted, physically and mentally, that cat plays havoc on an already stressed mind. 

  Coffee I say, that will work , in I go to the kitchen to make my coffee, mmmmmmm smells heavenly divine.  Open the fridge for the cream and out flies a brand new 2 L ice cold bottle of diet coke, right on my foot.  I am jumping up and down, Im saying some not so nice words, when what should happen next, the F****king cat spills coffee all over my fresly scrubbed floor.  By this time all I could do was sit on the kitchen floor, in my hole in the ass favorite pair of pajamas, and weep !!!.  This isnt me I say, pick yourself up dust yourself off and clean the coffee is what my heart is saying, however my brain is telling me something different, its telling me mmmmmmm cant you just taste that fireball, the way it smells of cinnamon, the way it burns going down and that lovely warm feeling it leaves in your belly.  To which I tell myself, SELF its only 10am and besides you crazy bitch your all out of fireball.  I get back up off the floor, clean the mess and remake my coffee, the whole time watching where the demon cat is.  Come in light a smoke,take my first sip of deliciousness , only to discover, I forgot the cream and sugar !!!!

   It is now 12:07pm my friends and I am happy to report I now have a cup of coffee, with the cream and sugar, but I just discovered it has gone cold , as I have been typing to you about my epic journeys of being a domesticated goddess.  I hope you all have been able to drink a cup of coffee today, and I hope you can all say "I'm so happy, I could shit rainbows and fart fairy dust"

Thursday morning kanundrums

Hello and welcome back !

  Today started out like any other morning, blaring alarm waking me at 6:45am, starting my day by slipping my toasty warm toes into my new slippers, clad in my ever faithful betty boop jammies, see the beast doing his hey mom, good your awake cause I really have to pee dance.  I awaken the troops, direct Luke where to find fresh towels, I think I may have said open your eyes a little wider, they are in the same spot one normally finds towels, in todays case I was wrong.  They were not under the sink in the bathroom , but still waiting in the dryer to be folded.  Down I go rubbing my eyes, that are by this point resembling two pissholes in the snow, get ambushed by the furball from heaven or hell, depending on the day. Let the beast out, make lunches, direct the kids to their other belongings, feed the furball.  By 7:30am the boys are out the door for school and Trevor calls me on his way into the office. AHHHHHHH life is sweet, that is until I LOST THE DOG !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  Get comfy, grab your beverage of choice and come with me on my journey of the lost dog.

 I am by this time in total panic, you see Maverick isnt just a dog, hell no he is part of the family. He loves us unconditionally, makes us laugh, and protects not only us but the house.  When the boys go to bed at night, he goes up with them, watches them brush their teeth, and follows them to their room. Once they are all tucked in he is back downstairs laying by either my feet or Trevor's if he is home.  When it is time to go to bed, he goes in and checks on the boys, he puts his face on their chest , turns back looks at me as if to say ok warden all prisoners are accounted for, and either sleeps in the hallway between the bedrooms, or in bed with Luke.  I am also in total panic because I know I dont want to have to make the phone call to Trevor stating , dont be mad, BUT I LOST YOUR DOG. Keep in mind the dog is not a small dog, so really how does one lose him?  I fly out the door in my betty boop jammies, new pink hoodie and slippers, my hair is wild and looking oh so sexy.  The chain is there, the dog however isnt.  My neighbour is outside looking at me like I lost my mind, which I quickly assure her, its not my mind that is lost , but my dog, my companion my friend.

 She comes over and says well he hasnt been over to play with Prince, that is their 16 week old lab puppy, and mavericks new found friend.  Fook me now the panic has really set in.  I call for him, Im begging for his return when all of a sudden, my neighbour looks up at the house and says, ummm unless you have Mavericks twin , I think thats him , in the UPSTAIRS window.  I turn beat red, mumble something about a huge stressload and not enough fireball and enter back ito the love shack. Up I go and by this time , Maverick is where he was all along, snuggled down in our bed, covered up with his head on the pillow.  He was never lost, I just paniced and thought I had forgotten him outside for 2 hours and he had escaped the confines of collar and tie out. You know they say rolaids spell relief, however finding your dog that was never lost, not having to call your boyfriend at work to say I lost your dog, and being able to hold that dog close and tell him you love him, to me spells relief.

 The day is going to be great, I was told yesterday by the warden I dont have to report to class, as I did my project yesterday and my presentation , and thats all was going to happen today, so she said I could take the day off. Guess you could say I am out on good behaviour. Great I say, I can take the day to clean the love shack, cram for my final tomorrow, and quite possibly grab a nap.  That is until the phone rang.

  It was Isaac !  I said what did you forget now? he replies nothing, I am in the office with my teacher . By this point my face is as pink as my new hoodie, and he hasnt even told me why he is in the office with his teacher, but being a kid once I know nothing good ever comes out of that.  He goes on to explain to me that he was taken out of class, because he was being disruptive while they were reviewing for a science test tomorrow.  Ok so now I am livid, and thats an understatement.  The dog takes off, ( at least this time I know where he went), the cat drops his toy and skidaddles into the kitchen to comfort eat.  And I LOSE IT.  I talk to his teacher, who by this time tells Isaac to wait for her with the vice principal. She goes on to say he was talking non stop, and when told to stop, acted quite smug.  I told her welcome to my world, this is what I have been dealing with the last few days, and he is about to find out that his phone privlidges are OVER. You hear that you little hussie wanna be's who call and talk for hours, over , and over for at least a week, cause this my friends is how this bitch rolls.

  He was also told that if he gets one test back that is not a passing grade I will make damn good and sure that he is off the basketball team.  I also mentioned that to the teacher.  She is going to email me his marks tomorrow morning, and Im here to tell you if they are not good grades, I will show that kid where the bear shit in the buckwheat patch.  AHHHHHHH there I feel a bit better now, the dog is now laying by my feet and the cat, has stopped his comfort eating and is rubbing against my legs.  I am not going to let his actions dictate how the rest of my day will be.  I am going to smile, clean and cram all in that order.  And hopefully when he arrives home from school, he will have lost his attitude, and start respecting people.  To that I say to all of you how have children, the old Sam Cooke song said, mama said there would be days like this, and until you are a mother, you have no idea how true those words really are. May you all have so much happiness, you can all say, "I'm so happy I could shit rainbows and fart fairy dust"

Great friends from Far away Places

Hello and welcome back my loyal fans !

First I would like to thank you all for your support of my blog ! A friend of mine messaged me tonight and said I live my life vigariously though your blog, when is the next entry ?  Thanks Myrna that made me smile and made me realise even more how important friends are.  I never knew I could be friends with people Ive never met before, but I have.  There is Val, a sassy woman with a wickedly dirty mind. She gives me daily encouragement, tells me shes proud of me and has even given me great ideas of what I can do with high heeled shoes without ever leaving the bedroom, to put it quite simply, shes a hoot !  Next we have Ruth, my far away friend from England, she is the one who told me I need to write a blog, because she would go online just to see my status because in her words, it never failed to make her laugh.  We have shared many laughs, a few tears, and terrific recipes !  My dream is to be able to have her come across the pond when Trevor and I get married, and she is a fireball virgin, shes never had it before.  My special angel from across the pond, my forever friend !  Then enters Diane , oh lordy be where do I begin?  She to is a redhead, quick witted as well as quick tempered, I do believe we may have been seperated at birth, not sure how to explain the age difference but cripes I grew up thinking I was dropped off by gypsies because mom and dad already had 9 kids and wouldnt notice one more.  She makes me laugh, and you never know what could come out of her mouth next, the double trouble redheads are usually full of fun and antics , a true friend she is.  Next is Litsa. Now you should all know , Litsa is a lush !!!! Last friday night she kept leaving posts for me to hurry up and get drunk lol she and I are like shrek and donkey out on another whirl wind adventure, she is funny, sassy and did I mention a lush.  Cranberry juice with vodka is her drink of choice and I am almost certain its more vodka then the juice, but upon a conversation one night we discovered that her drink not only gets you smashed, it also helps with urinary tract infection , so to that I say, giddy up cowgirl and drink like a fish, its 5 O'clock somewhere.!  So there you have it , people I have never met in person, but cant imagine a day without having them in my life, truly great women who I am lucky to call my friends and think of  as my sisters.  May you all be blessed with terrific friends, and may you all be so happy you can all exclaim "I'm so happy, I could shit rainbows and fart fairy dust" 

Wednesday Morning Wit

Good morning and welcome back!

 Guess what people? It's hump day ! A day when you know the weekend is getting so close you can almost smell it. For me those smells are great sniffs, for example, I can smell Trevor, mmmmmmmmm nummy yummy smells. I can also smell the wonderful scent of cinnamon, yes my lovelies Im talking about Fireball.  It is a quiet day at the loveshack today, the beast and the furball from heaven or hell ( you decide) are laying on the area rug having a staring contest, wondering who is going to pounce first in their daily wrestling match. So far the beast is the contender , but the furball is sly and fast , so its always a mystery who will gain title of the gold belt.  However they both got new collars the other day. Maverick is sporting a snazzy red leather one with silver decals on it , Moses is stylin in a blue collar with a green bell, oh yes he is the pimp , all he needs now is his gold grill on his teeth and he will really be the man.

  .  We got a skiff of snow last night, just enough to remind us that , that the bitch we call winter is still upon us, but spring will soon be nipping at our heels.  I think for the first time in history the house ran smoothly this morning. I didnt have to do my war whoop to arouse the troops from their sleepy slumber.  Nor did I trip over the cat in his mad haste to the kitchen, throwing himself at my feet, looking at me as if to say, but pleaseeeeeeeeeeee Im starving , I can begin to feel my ribs.  The beast even contained his I need to pee dance into a mere jig.  Yes it was a good morning,,,, that is until 5 minutes ago .  The phone rings, and it is Isaac.  Can you bring me my sneakers and basketball jersey? I forgot them !  Holy snappin assholes !!!! if that child doesnt soon learn some organization skills soon I am going to be at my wits end.  The answer was no, I cant, I have my project to finish, no way to get them to you and oh yeah the other biggie, I HAVE CLASS !!!!  It simply amazes me that the kid can remember all of his friends phone numbers, and not only remember the numbers, but also know how to use the phone.  So sit back, get comfy, grab your drink of choice and come with me on my journey of a kid who has an addiction to a telephone.

   It started at 5pm last night, the phone rings, it is yet again for Isaac ! I tell the boy on the other end that no he isnt home yet from basketball, to which I hear back , thank you, could you please let him know cheeseman called.  I hung up the phone laughing.  Christian and Isaac are good friends, mostly because they both love cheese.  These are the kids who believe there should be a national holiday called, cheese appreciation day.  I am able to make it through eating supper and watching the Waltons, and the door flies open, yes my friend the whirlwind is back from basketball.  Shoes, coat, bookbag go flying and he almost took the dog out in his mad rush to get to the phone.  I say hold er there newt, the phone is going to ring at 7pm and its going to be for me !  My Trevi calls me everynight at 7pm after we watch the waltons, we like to keep structure.  Isaac says fine but I am using the phone as soon as you guys get done .  By 7:30pm he is chomping at the bit, he is almost frothing at the mouth .  I am doing anything and everything I can to keep Trevor on the phone just a little bit longer to proove a point to Isaac, that when your the one paying the phone bill you can be the phone natzi.  The phone is barely replaced back on the hook only to be snatched back up again , this time by little paws so excited that they are actually shaking. 

  By 8pm he is still on the phone, I give him the warning that he has 10 mins left and not a minute more as by this time he is now using the cordless and has hidden himself in the rats nest he refers to as his bedroom.  Ten minutes is now up, as is my blood pressure, I calmly pick the phone up and say, hang up the phone now because if I have to come up there, your not going to be happy.  Quick as that the conversation has ended. Ah victory yet again, damn Im good I say.  And then I get to thinking, at least he is only talking to boys on the phone, and thankfully so far no girls.  To this I say, all you little hussies out there, tread lightly because Im not afraid to go back to prison.  I also tell myself that the next time the phone rings it will be for me. Sure the phone rings within two seconds but alas it is not for me.  Much to my confusement and my dismay I am not sure if its a boy with a very high voice or,,,, the dreaded hussies decending on my innocent, yet very unorganized son.  Finally at 8:45pm he gets off the phone, only to hear me say yet again, until your 18 you live by my rules and my rules clearly state when you pay the phone bill then you can use it all you want, until then consider that your last phone call of the night.  The phone rings again and much to my happiness , it is for me ! It is Trevor calling to say sweet dreams and telling me he loves me !!!! ahhh life is great.  So if you to have kids you know what I am going through but my god, boys are worse then girls when it comes to the phone.  He sees his homies, his cheese munching declare cheese a national holiday friend and who ever else, hussies included at school all day, what in sweet jesus could they have to talk about half the night, thats what I want to know.
May you all be blessed with kids who have a dislike for talking on the phone, and may you all be filled with such happiness, you can exclaim "I"m so happy I could shit rainbows and fart fairy dust"

A smile can make a difference

Hello and welcome back to my faithful followers

Have you ever wondered what a smile can do?  Sure it takes less muscles to smile then it does to frown, but have you ever really wondered what exactly a smile can do. So sit back, get comfy, and grab your favorite beverage of choice, oh how I wish at this present time my choice could be fireball, however it cant so for now my herbal mint tea will have to do.

  When you smile, it not only makes you feel good, but also the person on the other end.  Maybe they are having a bad day, and it was your smile who made that day seem more positive and gives them that extra little ummph to make it through.  Kind words are another good things, to hear I am proud of you , can make the difference in someone from feeling like I may as well give up to, wait a minute, thats not how I roll ! I pick myself up, dust myself off and say whoo doggie that was a trip!.  I always say, it only takes one atta girl to make up for all the negative things you may have heard in a lifetime.  To you , you may be thinking your  nothing, to someone else you are their world.  I had a pretty crappy day yesterday, but you know what? I made it through, and I still smiled.  To let someone or something get you down, is letting them win, and I dont give up that easily. So next time you think you are having a rough day and you dont want to smile, think of people who are disabled, they fight daily battles but are usually the ones with the biggest smiles, because they have been beaten down , only to find that they to are strong, and they live life to the fullest.  I remember one time I had Austin on the city bus, there was a blind man sitting beside us, Austin said to the man, your eyes are a very nice color blue, The man whos name is Jim said, Thank you so much Austin !!! Ive lived all my life always wondering what color my eyes are, because Im blind I cant see them.  Austin who at the time was 5 said, thats ok , I will be your eyes.  Kids dont see people the way adults do, kids see people for who they are, not what they are, or how much or how little money they make.  If adults could live through the eyes of a child for just one day, I believe the world would have alot more acceptance.  Austin then went on to describe the rest of Jim's features, and in great detail not forgetting to mention that he had a bald spot on the back of his head. People who live in a box, will always be that way, they never fully open their eyes and see that not one person in the world is the same.  We are all unique and that my friends is what makes us special.

  Jim and Austin talked the whole way home that day, Austin was quite impressed that Jim could pretty much tell how tall he was, because of where his voice was coming from.  Austin was also impressed to learn that you dont need vision to play music, Jim told him to close his eyes and listen to the beat.  Austin is almost 16 now and plays bass guitar, often times Ive seen him, close his eyes and feel the beat.  When it was Jim's stop to get off, he held Austin's hand and told him what a wise , polite young man he was, and then said thank you for being my eyes young man, it was nice to be able to see the world for the first time in my life.  You see the whole way home Austin described for him the people all around them, what the bus looked like inside and out, what the trees looked like in fall foilage and I guess really what he showed Jim was what its like to see the world through a child eyes.

  May you all have an experience at some point in your life, to be able to see your life through a childs eyes. And may you all be blessed with such happiness you can say "I'm so happy I could shit rainbows, and fart fairy dust"

Monday morning Madness

Hello and welcome back !

I hope you all had a great weekend and are ready to start another week.  Today my day started out great, whats not to love when you are able to awaken to not the dog doing his I have to pee happy dance, but to the good morning kisses of the love of your life, your happiness and joy, your laughter and best friend, your everything ! I am one lucky woman to have such a terrific man in my life.  Then the alarm goes off just as I get all nestled in for snuggles, damnit all to hell, where did the time go? a minute ago it was only 6:29am and now it according to the blaring of the alarm is 6:45am.  Time to rally the troops, I slip out of my nice warm cozy bed , place my lovely toasty warm toes onto cold tile flooring, and thinking hells teeth the arctic cant be this cold.  I then haul on my penguin jammies, and my slippers who which by the way I am not impressed with, a week old and I already blew the whole side out of one, but I digress, will save a walmart rant for another blog entry.

 In I go to awaken the boys, from Luke I get, k mom Im awake, from Isaac I get what Im still not sure if it was a grunt , groan or quite possibly last nights supper honking hello. Whichever the case he is awake but wants to lay in bed until 7am. Down I come , release the hound, trip over the cat who by now is sitting by his cans of canned cat food, and giving me the look of hayyyyyyy sweet thang hows about you give a starving cat some chow.  I pet that cat the other night and he has non existant ribs , but he thinks he is starving.  Cat fed, hound back in and fed, ahh I say time to make the lunches.  Turn around and get the absolute shit scared out of me !  I keep saying I am going to buy a cow bell for Trevor, he walks so softly you can never hear him, and I am the nervous type on a good day, let alone one without coffee in my system yet.  I said what the hell are you doing awake you said you werent setting an alarm, ( this is before I knew I got to keep him an extra night and I do anything and everything to prolong his departure, its a long week without him home) he says I didnt set an alarm , you did. Smart ass even first thing in the morning he has all the answers.  Back to the bottom of the stairs I go to let out a war whoop that Isaac's feet best be hitting that cold floor within minutes or I was coming up there. KA THUD ahhh I conquer again, not only can I wrestle escape turds from a blocked sewer pipe , but I can also put the fear of MOM into a kid who never wants to get out of bed.  By this time lunches are made, and for once so is my coffee, time to have a smoke and relax . I tell myself all the time , self you really need to relax a little and take time to smell the roses, sadly self never listens much.  It is by now 7:25am, Luke is ready to bolt out the door to go to school and there sits Isaac wearing PAJAMAS and not just any pair either , oh no my friends he is wearing a pair that are so old Im almost certain they swaddled baby jesus in them, they have a huge hole in the knee and he feels that is fine and dandy to wear to school. Thankfully Trevor noticed what he was wearing, I was just about ready to take that first sip of my coffee, it was less then a millimeter away from my lips but oh no, I had to go help the kid find pants.  He has tons of clothes but is very picky on what he will wear, he found jeans but couldnt find his belt, I said fine wear mine, its a simple brown belt its not all chicked out.  Nope that wouldnt do, by this time I am at my wits end, my coffee is growing cold and the smoke I lit 5 minutes ago is now out, didnt even get to take one drag.  Trevor says go find something and hurry up, he came back down and to be quite honest with you I have no idea what he wore to school. but I can tell you this , it was not those holy pajamas lol.  by 7:30 am the kids are both out the door, my coffee by now has touched my lips, slid down my throat and kicked started my heart, life is looking great.  Trevor went up to have a shower and as I said before at this point I didnt know I got to keep him for another night, I thought he had to go see clients here in the city so he said he would talk to me later, I said see you later right he said oh yeah ill be back after to get my bag.  Im at this point teary eyed , knowing that even if he does get back before I leave for class I wont have long with him, life sucks !!!  Up I go for my shower, I am one pissed off redhead, I slam shampoo on my head, I rinse, not good enough I say so I repeat the process.  Im still angry so I take revenge on the hair that dare have the balls to magically reappear on my legs. Shower finished, hair blown dry, time to get dressed. I am in the process of getting dressed when the phone rings, it was Trev , I ask if he is going to be home soon, he said hell no Im on my way to Woodstock, thats almost an hour away from Fredericton !!!! oh sweet jesus, my blood pressure is sky rocketing, stay calm I can do this.  To which I reply, will you be back home before I leave for class, NO is the answer I get, no is not the answer I wanted.  The dog must have sensed that I was getting ready to blow, because he turned tail and ran, the cat ,tucked and rolled, needless to say it was a very tense few minutes. That is until he said these magic words, Im coming back home for the night hunnybun LORD DYIN JESUS my heart melted, I smiled and the animals felt it was safe to enter back into what was enemy territory. Life is great my friends life is great.  I even managed to get the christmas tree taken down finally, I swept, vaccumed , scrubbed, and the whole while had a huge smile, because I know when I get back home from a long day of boring lectures , my life , my happiness, my best friend, my laughter, my everything will be home waiting for me.  I my friends am so happy I could shit rainbows and fart fairy dust, and I truly hope you all have such a great day , you to can proudly exclaim "I'm so happy I could shit rainbows, and fart fairy dust"

Sunday Stumbles

Hello and welcome back !


  My day didnt start out much better then my night ended last night thankfully I can report I made it through it and survived.  I have one rule that I make sure gets followed everytime, that rule is never go to bed angry !  Sounds easy but sometimes its harder then one would think, the main thing is that the last words before you fall asleep are words of love , life is to short to be angry and it just causes wrinkles.  I was awoken at 8am a mere 5 .5 hours after I had falled into a fitful , not so great sleep by not Maverick doing his I have to pee Im so happy to see you dance, but to Isaac opening and slamming doors. By the 4th time of doing this I finally flew out of the bed, threw on my penguin jammies, and warm slippers and came downstairs.  The cat gave me a look like man Im starving , but Ive seen that look before and it aint pretty , so go ahead and do whatcha gotta do mom, I can wait another 2 minutes to get fed.  I hit the bottom of the stairs at a break neck speed, and uttered these words, if you slam one more F****king door I will personally take everyone off the hinges, doors are a privledge and there are kids living in grass huts in africa without doors.  I also told him I went to bed in one hell of a pissy mood and it hasnt gotten much better after hearing him go through the house like a bull elephant on a booty call.

  I think he got the point because the next time he opened a door he no longer slammed it, maybe it was my words , hell maybe it was the fact that I looked like a rednecked crazy lady Im not sure, but whatever it was, the only sound I heard was the blessed sound of silence,,,, for a minute or two.  The cat by this time is starving because you know its been a full 4 hours since he has eaten.  The dog is doing the whole ass wiggle, whimper whiny thing telling me that his bladder is going to burst and he will not be held responsible for the mess.  Cat fed, dog out to do what ever the hell dogs do, usually he stands there and sniffs for a full 20 minutes then does his business.  Coffee I say that will kickstart my heart, however by this time I have a huge headache and it was not from drinking half a quart of fireball 5.5 hours before, tylenol I say take the pills then have a coffee.  I then get to endure a full hour of the tv show cops, just freaking great I say, what a way to start my day, surely to jesus the day has got to get better, and it did , Trevor woke up, all was well , just like no words were ever spoken the night before.  Things go great for a full half hour , that is until I decide to do laundry.  Now normally laundry isnt a complicated process, today I have found it can be a pretty shitty job. So sit back with your drink of choice and come with me on my epic journey of a half crazed, half hungover laundry wench.

  Down I go arms full of laundry, I can do this I say , I do this usually on a daily basis. I get to the bottom of the stairs only to discover,,,, water is in the basement, and not just any water my friends, we arent talking about almost extinct water from glaciers, oh hell no ! We are talking about brown water, stinky water, and water with chunks in it. Yes my friends we are talking about sewer water. Just when I didnt think my day could get much shittier, I was wrong !  Back up I go , my redheaded temper is WILD , I slap on Luke's tall boots that are id say 3 sizes to big for me, light a smoke to help calm my nerves and start my epic journey with plunger in hand.  Trevor thinks this would be a good time to start laughing, I said what the hell is so funny, he says thats quite the look honey,  I look down and here I am, wild hair do going on yet again, penguin jammies, boots on me that are 3 times to big, a smoke danglin from my lips and a plunger in my hand.  Oh yeah baby I was stylin and looking so sexy Im sure Trevor was having a hard time controlling his urges.  Down I go slam the plunger in the whole and what should happen? the goddamn plunger decides to snap in half, oh yes the handle came right off , poor Trevor must have gotten the shit scared out of him, no pun intended because I let out a war cry , said some very unlady like words and said to hell with it.  Broken plunger in hand, I attack the hole, I plunge and plunge, chunky junk is surrounding me, but did this half crazed half hungover redneck woman cringe, hell nooooooooo because when I start out on something I dont stop until I have won. And the battle of the turds were not going to defeat me.  I gave it one more good plunge and finally I got what I was looking for, The beautiful sound of water being unmercifully sucked back down the damn hole it had the neve to come up out of anyways.  This time I let out a cheer, the battle of the turds didnt outbeat me. I was so happy I could shit rainbows and fart fairy dust, had I not been afraid to clog the damn pipe again.  Up the stairs I come and proudly proclaim that yes I may be a woman and a damn sexy one at that, but did I have to call a plumber, hell no I kicked major ass , cause thats how this bitch rolls.  After my major battle , I needed a nap, got up had a shower and then we went to get some groceries and a new plunger .  Not a bad ending for what started out to be a real shitty one.  So there you have it my friends, no matter what shit is handed to me, I make the best out of every situation.  May all your days be so happy, you to can proudly exclaim, "I'm so happy, I could shit rainbows and fart fairydust"