Greetings From The Cat !

Greetings Infidels !!!

  It is I, Moses the cat !  The human is still sick, so I have taken it upon myself to write this thing she calls her blerb,or perhaps its called a blog, whichever the case I have taken it over for the day, while she is in a buckleys induced sleep.  Last time she slept this long it was after consuming a quart of that vile smelling stuff she calls Fireball.

  Let me tell you all a little about myself. First my name is Moses and I am the bomb, the dude, the sexy studmuffin ! LADIESSSSSSS are you with me? I have two humans, the tall one with the big lumps on her chest and the little short guy who gives me great tummy rubs and often times gives me salmon when the warden has her back turned.  I think my male human's name is Oh God, because whenever he and my female human are in my bed, she calls him that, over and over and over again.  I just call him God and he seems to like that. Not sure what my female humans name is, God keeps changing it, sometimes shes called baby, hunnybun, and my alltime favorite , STINKY ! guess God has had the unfortunate task of having to go in the bathroom after one of her fireball benders or worse, after she eats something spicy.  She could knock the buzzards off a gutt wagon with that smell. She has no shame !

  The woman human is with me the most, therefore I like to make her life a living hell everyday. I ambush her as she comes down the stairs, I wont eat my moist food until she puts it in that box thing on the counter that makes that annoying beeppppppp sound when my breakfast is all done warming up, and I take great pleasure into sticking my nose in the air after she goes to all that trouble, because by the time it gets done in that box contraption, I have decided I wanted it cold.  This does not go over well with the human ! No indeed, she is rather scary when she gets all het up, I have even seen the God tuck and roll a few times.  I also take pleasure in banging my head off her book , she pretends to know how to read,but I have my doubts after hearing her trying to say some words that sound greek to me .  She also has a queer expression on her face when she is reading that big book she calls the mammoth, guess no one ever told her hooked on phonics werked fer me !.

  Today before she went off into her buckleys induced coma she attempted to cook ! I like it best when God cooks, hes much better at it and sneeks me human tidbits on the sly.  I am not sure what she was trying to cook, but they were brown things in a shell, that she kept bubbling on the stove for what seemed like an hour.  Then I dont know if she has major gas or it was those hard brown things, whatever it was, by the time she got done the whole house smelled like one giant fart ! 

  I got my human good this morning, she was sitting on that thing that holds water and makes a loud noise after she hits the button.  Her pants were down around her ankles, and she didnt see me coming because again she was trying to pretend to know how to read, this time a Nora Roberts book, either she cant figure out the words, or its a good book because she has "read" it 4 times already.  She has her nose in the book , a funny look on her face, this time not from trying to learn how to read those big words, I think its more of I have to do something, and it isnt happening kind of look. I get that sometimes after God sneeks me human foods, I get bunged up bad but never complain, you make a complaint in this house about food and the woman human makes you starve for 2 whole hours.

 I sneak in closer, I am so close the stubble on her legs is giving me whisker burn.  Oh she almost saw me, finally just as she reaches for that white paper stuff I pounce !!!  Her book goes flying, there is that white paper everywhere and I am laying on my back laughing my ass off.  Ambush of the day quite successful I might add.

  From there I wind around her mammoth paws as she lumbers down the stairs, the whole while whining about how sore she is, how she is thinking about ways to kill me and not be sent to prison for and telling me I am my fathers cat. YES I am JESUS hear me roar !  I figure if my dad is God, and I am his son that makes me jesus, I just hope she doesnt think shes the virgin mary !! She has three kids after all !.  I think I remember God's name, the one she calls him when they arent in my bed. I think she calls him scooter !  Yes thats it, however, in my eyes he will always be God ! God of the belly rubs, god of oh moses Im sorry your food dish is empty, and my favorite Thank you God! your the one making supper.  The other human is better with her music knowledge then her culinary skills. 

  Well infidels it is time for me to go search our my food dish to see if the human decided to feed again, search for my catnip filled ball, and quite possibly groom myself some more, it is my mission to get reoccuring furballs just to see her chase me around to get that medicine down my throat.  The human should be waking soon, she is smiling in her sleep like a cat with a strawberry flavoured ass, she must be dreaming about God again.  May your days be filled with liver pate and catnip dreams. And all that other rainbow shit and fairy dust stuff the human always says at the end of her blog.