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I am nearing the wonderful age of 34, full of grey hair, bladder incontinence and the need to be in bed by no later then 10pm on a week night , otherwise you cant stay awake during the day without at least one cat nap. And you know what ? my life is great ! I have the best man ever to enter my life, Trevor fills my heart with love , happiness and sheer joy. He is my rock, on days when I dont know how to go on, he is there holding my hand saying come on baby girl you can do it and will do it. He is my best friend, my laughter, my happiness, my hero, my everything. The year I turned 25 is a year I never want to relive again, it was filled with changes and sadness, both of which I had no control over no matter how hard I pleaded , begged and prayed. Let's go back in time just for awhile and I will take you on a journey that will make you want to rethink life and even something as simple as how you look at the people in your life. So sit back , relax and maybe grab a few tissues. January 2002, here I am a young vibrant 25 year old stay at home mom to three beautiful boys, when I am told I have to have an emergency hysterectomy, I was floored, to say the least. First came denial, then anger, this cannot be happening I am only 25 ! . I have the surgery, spent a week in the hospital and was rendered healthy, yes my body was no healthy again but my heart wasnt, my mind wasnt. I was saddened to think my womanhood was no longer fully in tact, I was no less then a woman. But back then I didnt have the support I do now and was told to get over it ! So I pushed it away and didnt think about it anymore, or at least not when I was around anyone. On the outside I was this happy person, while the inside person was screaming help me Im sinking and sinking fast. In april of 2002 my beloved cat suddenly died, I wrapped her in her favorite blanket, told her I loved her and buried her in what at the time was the perfect spot ( skip ahead to 2009, there are now houses built over my beloved smokey's grave). Things start to get a little bit better when all hell breaks loose again. June 2002, my father had been battling cancer and well he took a turn for the worse . I spent as much time with my dad as I could which was pretty much everyday, most days I forgot to eat and didnt care. I was with my mother at the hospital when she asked me to tell my dad that it wasnt good and they were calling all of the family home, at the time I thought that was the hardest thing I ever had to do , boy was I wrong. June 29th 2002 was a beautiful sunny warm day, a day when we all should have been enjoying it , instead it was a day of saying goodbye. I had the privledge of being with my dad when he died, just the two of us, if I could choose only one word to describe it I would have to say "beautiful". I stood at the foot of my dad's bed so he could see me, his biggest fear was dying alone. I held onto his foot , I think looking back I held his foot not only so he could see me but also for the physical contact and the comfort, my father had the ugliest feet I have ever seen, we talked about life and we laughed, even on his death bed he still had his sense of humour. He told me he would always be watching over me and he would send me signs that only I would know what those signs were, I looked into his eyes one last time and heard him say, I love you shortcake , I will see you again and he was gone. Heaven must be one hell of a special place because my dad died with a smile and he died with dignity, and he didnt die alone. July 3rd 2002, again a gorgeous sunny day and not to mention the hottest day in history since 1919. I said to mom on the way to the funeral dear god mom , I know dad wanted to be creamated but christ did he have to have his funeral on the hottest day, some may say I was insensitive, I wasnt, thats what my mother needed, it broke the tension, and lessened the sadness even if only for a few minutes.
Dad had a beautiful service, I know he was there with us in spirit and probably saying hey didnt I plan a great funeral, he wouldnt tell us anything about what he had selected he said we would find out soon enough when he was dead. A few weeks before dad died he asked me if I would be the one to carry his urn , so I did, after the service I went up to get the urn but just couldnt pick it up right away, so I did what I always did when I would see dad, I bent down and kissed it and told him one more time that I loved him. Dad wanted his urn buried in the country at the edge of an apple orchard, it was one of his favorite spots in life and he wanted to be there in death as well. After the service I put his urn in the trunk of my aunt Isabelle's car because she was the one going to transport him to his favorite spot, I went back into the funeral home and as long as I live I will never forget what transpired after that. My cousin Heather is a great woman, she gave me a hell of a big hug and patted my back saying let it out just let it out , to which I replied " let me out I cant breathe" did I forget to mention heather has huge boobs, and I was like that old song stuck in the middle with you. She told me I should go back to moms before everyone else got back and lay down, I replied I cant Im travelling with aunt Isy and shes not ready to go yet and DADS IN HER TRUNK you could have heard a pin drop and then just as my dad would have wanted it, there was laughter and plenty of it, again my sense of humour came out in the worst possible time. So now that you have gone back in time with me to the dreaded year when I was 25 lets skip ahead to the present time 2010.
I still miss my dad everyday, he was my hero ! But with time comes healing and dad wouldnt want me to be sad everyday, he used to tell me when you remember me remember me with your beautiful smile and not with your tears. I feel my dad around me alot and I know he is proud of the person I am today, Im a fighter and I am determined, and he would be happy to know that I am persuing my dream of working with animals. When I graduate this fall he will be with me, and when I walk across that stage with my head held high to recieve my degree, I will listen carefully and I know I will hear him say,"thats my girl" When Trevor and I get married he will be watching over us , smiling down and saying welcome to the family I know your going to be good to my little girl. I wish I had the number to heaven because there is so much I have to say to my dad, so instead I talk to him as if he is still here. I envy my friends who still have their dads here with them, so I tell them, hold them close, love them dearly and never let a day go by without telling them you love them. Paul Simon sings a song called Father and Daughter, there will never be a father who loves his daughter like I love you, that song makes me think of dad and it makes me smile !
Oh my love will fly to you each night , on angels wings, Godspeed ,sweet dreams, God hears amen, where ever we are, and I love you. In loving memory of my father, my hero, my best friend,Godspeed, sweet dreams.
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